By the way, I’ve HIV.

So after a night on the prowl in central Africa, I find myself in bed smoking a joint with my latest conquest.  I felt like a king with this sweet ebony ass curled up next to me. I was the stoner version of James Bond, traipsing round the globe sleeping with the local women. But in that quite moment when all seemed right with the world, she turned to me and said:

“I’m worried”

“Why?” I asked.

“We didn’t use a condom”

“Yeah, but you told me everywhere was closed!” I wondered where this was going. I felt a fake pregnancy scam coming on here. DAM it! I really shouldn’t have came inside her.

“You are leaving tomorrow?” She asked.

“Yep, why?”

“Mark… you need to know something…”

I was pretty sure she wasn’t a man, but I didn’t like the tone of her voice.

“What… It’s OK, you can tell me.”

“…I’m sick.”

“Sick… what do you mean sick?”

“I think you know…”

My heart attempted to escape my chest as a feeling of impending doom pervaded my body. I became very conscience of the fact that this part of the world had some of the highest AIDS rates.

“You mean… you have HIV?”

She didn’t say anything, she just nodded…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Seriously, what a fucking bitch.

“By the way, I’ve HIV and you just fucked me.”

At least she’s dead now.

The next three months I was planning how I would live the rest of my life. I knew the chances where slim, but going in the get my STD results was one of the scariest moments of my life…

“You’re test results came back, I’ve got some bad news and some good news.”

“I don’t like the sound of that..”

“Good news is your HIV results came up negative but bad news is you’ve got a STD.”

I was never so happy to hear the words “you’ve got a STD”.

It’s all sorted now, so my irresponsible and reckless lifestyle continues! YEAH!

Moral of the story: Always carry a condom in your wallet.

It turns out HIV transmission rates are grossly exaggerated. Educate yourself and click here.

World AIDS rates

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24 Responses to “By the way, I’ve HIV.”

  1. SirBangalot Says:

    Dude, that’s fukkin awful.
    Never happened to me, but I know I may get an STD eventually.
    Some players get themselves checked every three months privately and I’m going in next week now that I’ve read that.

  2. SirBangalot Says:

    From the map, looks like I’ll be moving to Greenland. Saw te wikipedia write-up. Sexual transmission seems to be a very small %, most is thru childbirth or blood transfusion.

  3. Shaman Says:

    Yeah, people have been made to be way, way, WAY more paranoid than they need to be. Go look up (you’ll have to do some work to get this info, it’s surprisingly difficult to find) the chances of getting HIV from an HIV-positive female via unprotected vaginal sex (presuming you’re male): it’s like 1 in 10,000 or something, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to get HIV via normal vaginal sex.

    Also, people are fucking clueless when it comes to Africa and HIV–there are some countries where the HIV rate is about what it is in the U.S. (0.6%) and there are some where it’s insane at around 30%-40%, you just need to do your research. My personal favorite (I actually like it better than wikipedia for this specific purpose because the information for each country is organized in EXACTLY the same manner for each one, unlike wikipedia) is the CIA World Factbook, check it yo: https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/index.html (the “People” category is, by far, the most useful and also the one that lists the HIV/AIDS rate for each country).

  4. Shaman Says:

    Oh, btw, which STD did you turn out to have?

    Also, totally unrelated, but I noticed that you’re Irish (I think–I seem to recall reading that somewhere) and I totally have a thing for cute redheaded chicks and figured Ireland would be a good bet for this (although it turns out Scotland has the highest number of redheads as a percentage of the population) but I remember you saying something about how you’re not interested in Irish chicks at all. Anyway…what’s your opinion on this–is Ireland a good bet or should I try somewhere else first (I seem to recall that red hair is originally a Viking gene, so maybe one of the Scandinavian countries or Iceland would be better)??

    Cheers,
    Shaman

    • Hey Shaman, sorry to leave you hangin’.
      Ireland is fun but there’s a difference between red-heads and gingers. We got a lot of fat ginger if you’re interested! haha.
      If you come here you will have fun!
      I just don’t dig the locals because I’m into exotic food.
      Thanks for your comments.
      I won’t leave so long before my next reply.

  5. How were the 3 months until you got tested like? Were you constantly worried? I’m a little hypochondriac so I’d probably be paralyzed until testing.

  6. Not to burst your bubble, but you definitely need to get checked again a few months from now. Id do testing at 3 and 6 months, because it can take a while to show up. And try not to do anything to potentially spread it, in case you have it. You dont want to be a walking grim reaper.

    And wtf are you fucking african girls without condoms for? Thats retarded. Theres no toher word for it. You seem like a decent guy whos enjoying his life. Dont take that type of unnecessary risk. And definately dont fuck them in the ass, because you WILL get their HIV that way if they have it, guaranteed.

    Thai girls also have an extremely high instance of HIV.

    • Yeah, I think 95%-99.9% of all cases show up in 3 months. Not sure the exact figures.

      A friend of mine who was a taking a viralogy class the other night says it takes up to 6 months for it to show up. So now your odds have dropped from about 1:3000 to 1:300,000. Correct me if I am wrong.

      Scary shit. There are various ways to avoid the condomless sex:

      *lubricant can make it more fun, thus having a condom is not such a buzz kill, that you dont reach for it
      *Don’t drink or dont drink excessively… having whiskey dick increases the chance of not having the condom on. Because I surely go limp with a condom. Also a friend of mine “blacked out” or just got lazy is more like it in Phuket and did not use a condom.
      *If you decide to drink heavily take a little viagra.

  7. speakeasy Says:

    Looking at the map, I never realized the HIV rate is so high in Russia. I just googled for info and found that HIV in Russia and E. Europe is indeed exploding.

    As for your story, having unprotected sex in central Africa is unbelievably dumb, what’s wrong with you man???

    Btw, I’ve heard that the HIV rate in many African countries is overblown, something about corrupt governments cooking the numbers as a way of getting more foreign aid.

  8. Oh I love getting ignored, it’s so much fun…

  9. mrkillian Says:

    I’ll read this post again buddy 😉

    And I have a great story to post, I just need to sit down and write it

    we need a night out soon, things are going VERY well for me lately!

  10. I had a lady-boy in Thailand shoot a load up my bum a few years back and the rubber broke, had me scared for 6 months, so I know what you’re going through.

    You got a pic of this bird? Not sure why it’s a little hot but it is. Good to hear you made it out OK.

  11. […] was all good, until one hour later when she told me – By the way, I’ve HIV… Monkey figuring out how to use a mirror Getting stoned by Lake […]

  12. What sort of precautions do you take besides carrying a condom in order to avoid STD’s? Are there any other occasions where you have been scared or grossed out at the thought of all the former sexual partners a girl had before you? And what if the condom breaks? Isn’t it a bit of a suicide mission?
    Sex is good, wild sex even better, but how good is it if you’re risking your own health? Do not take it personal, just that it sounds a bit irresponsible to have sex without a condom with a complete stranger.

  13. AIDS is like a Black Swan. The odds of getting it make it statistically irrelevant, yet if it happens (and it does) the result is catastrophic. Makes for a tough choice…

  14. Dave freaks me out.

  15. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. As the world degenerates the consequences of immorality are manifested physically, and hiv is just one of those. Eventually the tide will overcome everything including scientific efforts to stem it. Hiv is a disease of immorality (maybe all diseases are).

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