10 things NOT to say in bed

I was in Kilkenny last night for of a bit a shin-dig. Armed with just a jaunty summer hat and some liquid confident I  attracted the attention of buxom blonde. With minimum effort, I was pretty much getting my leg humped. Being polite, I let her follow me home where I threw the dog a bone….

After struggling to gain arousal, fumbling to slip on a condom and a couple of numb indolent thrusts I gave up. I was too drunk, uninterested and I couldn’t feel a thing.

“This is shit” I said, liberating myself from all things rancid and rubber.

As you can imagine, it was a statement that didn’t go down well.

Bottom Line: I’ve learned what to say when you want to drive a women out of your bed. If you want them to stay, you need to avoid such blunders.

Here are my greatest hits…


1. “This is shit”

As mentioned previously, this doesn’t inspire confidence.

2. “I’ve slept with X amount of women from more than X countries. Come on  you have to admit, that’s pretty impressive..”

3. “I recently contracted an STI”

This one is great; the nail in the coffin.

4. “Do you mind having a shower first? You smell.”

She fucking did.

5. “You could do with a bit of shave, you got sandpaper thighs going on”

Sorry, but I abhor stubbly legs and wild bush. Yikes!

for Irish girls

6. “I feel like I’m fucking my cousin”

I did actually. You got diversify the gene pool. I feel weird banging Irish girls.

for black girls

7. “You like that you fucking n!g*&r!?”

Hey, I like testing boundaries… (My Nigerian girlfriend of two years loved that shit)

for Asians

8. “Take it you penniless chinky bitch”

Maybe I should get help… why do I get off on this stuff?

for muslims

9. “Where’s your fucking prophet now you dirty slut”

Bad, bad idea. I might aswell have said I’m going fuck her grandmother.

10. Fart.

Wait for it…


One Response to “10 things NOT to say in bed”

  1. #8 was definitely my favorite.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: