10 things NOT to say in bed

I was in Kilkenny last night for of a bit a shin-dig. Armed with just a jaunty summer hat and some liquid confident I  attracted the attention of buxom blonde. With minimum effort, I was pretty much getting my leg humped. Being polite, I let her follow me home where I threw the dog a bone….

After struggling to gain arousal, fumbling to slip on a condom and a couple of numb indolent thrusts I gave up. I was too drunk, uninterested and I couldn’t feel a thing.

“This is shit” I said, liberating myself from all things rancid and rubber.

As you can imagine, it was a statement that didn’t go down well.

Bottom Line: I’ve learned what to say when you want to drive a women out of your bed. If you want them to stay, you need to avoid such blunders.

Here are my greatest hits…

😉

1. “This is shit”

As mentioned previously, this doesn’t inspire confidence.

2. “I’ve slept with X amount of women from more than X countries. Come on  you have to admit, that’s pretty impressive..”

3. “I recently contracted an STI”

This one is great; the nail in the coffin.

4. “Do you mind having a shower first? You smell.”

She fucking did.

5. “You could do with a bit of shave, you got sandpaper thighs going on”

Sorry, but I abhor stubbly legs and wild bush. Yikes!

for Irish girls

6. “I feel like I’m fucking my cousin”

I did actually. You got diversify the gene pool. I feel weird banging Irish girls.

for black girls

7. “You like that you fucking n!g*&r!?”

Hey, I like testing boundaries… (My Nigerian girlfriend of two years loved that shit)

for Asians

8. “Take it you penniless chinky bitch”

Maybe I should get help… why do I get off on this stuff?

for muslims

9. “Where’s your fucking prophet now you dirty slut”

Bad, bad idea. I might aswell have said I’m going fuck her grandmother.

10. Fart.

Wait for it…

“Sexy”