Archive for the Travel Cheats Category

The Naughty Nomad Travel Kit ;)

Posted in Pick up techniques, Travel, Travel Cheats with tags , , , , , , , on May 14, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

I travel with just a carry-on 25 Litre army backpack everywhere I go, so I know how important space is!

Now I’m not going to tell you to pack 3 pairs of self-washable super socks that that double as small towels; or to bring a special penknife that turns into a small life raft with a cocktail bar; you can get that info somewhere else.

This is a special travel kit.

Something essential for all you vagabonding Venusian artists…


The Naughty Nomad Travel Kit


A Fetching Hat

YES! This outfit got me action.

A hat, jewellery, a tie, a striking shirt; whatever! Never underestimate the power of a little peakcocking. Separate yourself from the herd and women will respond. In my case, good head wear translates to good head. This technique helps in places where you may look similar to the locals… i.e. A white guy in Eastern Europe or a Black guy in Africa. Peakcocking also gives you an advantage over other tourists elsewhere .

An Unblocked Phone

What about Jenny?

How the are going to call her without a phone dip shit!? OK so I don’t recommend calling girls who leave their number on toilet doors, but if you want to arrange dates you need a dam phone. Buy a local SIM card. It’s cheaper and girls will be more inclined to text you. Having a phone more than doubles your chances of hooking up. I wish someone told me this before I went to Africa! A phone is also needed for my “Number Crunching” gambit. Email me @ to get the password.

Candle & Incense

The mood setter

It sounds corny, but this works wonders. A candle and some incense can turn that $3 shit hole into a Romantic oasis. Get all those senses tingling. Make sure the girl lights the candle, her involvement in building the scene is a subconscious submission to the seduction. Candlelight also provides the perfect luminance for some good lovin’.

Ultra light Speakers / Laptop

Small but mighty

You got to get some tunes going to set the mood. Laptops usually suffice, otherwise hook up your Mp3 player to these ultra light speakers. A lot of these compact travel speakers provide really great sound a nice amount of sensual bass vibrations. But more importantly you need…

The Right Playlist

♪ ♫ Let's get it on! Owh! ♪ ♫

Make a sexy playlist. Start it off nice and slow and customise it to your style. Try and create a flow.  On one occasion I actually esculated the seduction in syrcronisation with a playlist! I even arrange different songs for different positions! Hey, why not?


Massage Oil

Oh yeah!

Now you’re getting into it. Skin looks sooo much sexier covered in oil, and who doesn’t like a massage? Get creative. Massage oil also doubles as a lube for all you cheeky sodomites.

Playtime Items

What the hell?

I’m not going to judge here.

Condoms, Handcuffs, Duck-tape, Video-camera, the Super Licker 5000 (above), Phallic paraphernalia or whatever else you sickos are into… put them into your Naughty Nomad kit! You’re nearly finished.


Finally… Pictures of  dead naked women


So you’ve just had sex with a woman you no intention of having a future with?

Nothing says Mr.Right like a few pics of a defiled battered corpse. Try add some white stains for extra effect. Leave them casually displayed on the floor  before you take your morning shower. She’ll be gone before you wash your hair.


BTW – If you’re a smoker bring skins. Do you how hard it is to find skins in a country where a box of fags is little more that a dollar!? Stock up.

War Zone Safety Guide!

Posted in D.R Congo, Travel Cheats, War Zone Safety with tags , , , , , on May 5, 2010 by Mackeral Mark


So you think you’re hard son?

You think  you got what it takes huh?

Y’all tired o’those pansy faggot tourist trails? HUH!?

Well… I hope you know what you got yourselves in fur..

Ok, so maybe you done time… seen some action…

Well guess what?


Afghanistan & Irac are for PUSSIES!

Hell I could bring my Gramma there – you gud fur nothin’ yellowbelly BABY KILLERS!

Ever been to the Congo?

… been held at gun point?

… smelt fear after you done shit yourself?

… been rapped by a gang of angry Hutus?

didn’t think so.

I bet you’ve never even made love to a gorilla tied to a tree.

Well… bout time you tried, ain’t it?

That's ma boy! Nomad junior.

Y’all need to be PREPARED to go in-to-de-CONGO!


  • Volcano insurance. You want everyone callin’ you magma dick? Not in a month of Sundays!
  • Mosquito repellent. If you gots malaria you done fur! They got no hospital no how.
  • Wacky Tabacey. How do expect to pay fur some moonshine with a million francs that ain’t worth an once of cornbread?  You dumb shit.
  • Booze and a pack of Marlboro. You planned bribing these folks with a Gareth Brook CD? Fuck you!
  • Condoms. These women have been gang-rapped and brutalised. I repeat: Rapped and brutalised. Again and again and again.  I guess they figure a stranger in these parts might treat em gud. You know, treat ’em like they ought’a be treated.  So do! SHOW EM’ A GOOD TIME BOYS! YEE-HAW!
  • Last but not least – My book. Buy my fuckin’ book!

ON SALE NOW! for only 5,000 Ugandan Shillings!

Y’all come back now ya hear!

( You dumb sons of bitches)

Actual pictures we took in the Congo below:

Entering Former Zaire

Road side

Us riding into the jungle

Refugee Camp from the War, not so funny...

Pygmy Tribe (They look sad, but you should seen em' at the local wedding we went to to later! Pissed as farts they were!)

Lake Verd

Protected: The ULTIMATE pick up technique abroad (email me for password)

Posted in Pick up techniques, Travel, Travel Cheats with tags , , , , , on April 25, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

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How to learn a language fast!

Posted in Languages, Travel Cheats with tags , , on April 24, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Acquiring a language is easy! If you learn the fun way 😉

Language also opens a world of possibilities for meeting exotic women!

The problem is the way in which languages are taught in school. That shit is OUTDATED!

Just use the Naughty Nomad method:

Step 1) Pick your language (see Figure 1 below)

Step 2) Pick a country that speaks that language (see Figure 2 below)

Step 3) Book a flight

Step 4) Download a 30-day Pimsleur audio pack (the cheeky way here)

Step 5) Do the 30 minute lessons everyday for a month before you travel

Step 6) Contact some locals  online  during this period

Step 7 ) With a bit of  luck and persistence,  you’ll be abroad taking lessons under cover in no time!

The best way to learn a language is to date a native speaker 😉

Even German sounds sexy in bed!

Look below and take up the challenge!

Five Reasons Dating Abroad is the Best Way to Learn a Language

Figure 1

Figure 2

Ladyboy Survival Guide : Essential tips!

Posted in Cambodia, Ladyboys, Sex & Dating, Thailand, The Philippines, Travel Cheats with tags , , , , , on April 19, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Thai Ladyboy

Yes, I’m sure you’re all convinced you can tell a guy in a dress!

Many an intrepid traveler will tell you they can tell a ladyboy a mile away. That may be true 90% of the time, but many a proud man has let the other 10% slip through the gaydar.

There is a reason why so many men fall for it!

Common myths can steer you wrong – and get you dong!

A ladybody CAN be:

  • Beautiful
  • Slim & Petite
  • Curvaceous
  • Very Feminine

They can get their Adam’s apple Shaved!

Implants and facial reconstuction!

They can even have the chop (vaginoplasty)!

So what can you do?

How to prevent bringing that beautiful ‘girl’  home and end up crying in the corner washing your mouth out with rice wine!?

"But he was really hot.."

Here are the naughty nomad’s  guaranteed ways to tell a ladyboy  :

Tip 1)  They are suspiciously easy or forward.

Remember – they’re guy too, they just wanna get laid.

Tip 2) The tit test

A  maneuver that could save your ass! Implants are harder then normal breasts. A cheeky squeeze may seem rude, but can reveal a dude!

Tip 3) Just fucking ask them!

Ladyboy’s usually don’t bother lying if you ask them. As for South East Asian  girls – they won’t be insulted! They know there’s loads of hot ladyboys. Plus if they are ‘all women’, you have just knocked them down a peg with a neg.

Tip 4) They’re strangely attractive

Not just attractive, strangely attractive. The hottest girl I saw in Phnom Penh turned out the be a man! Remember there’s something about Mirium?

Tip 5) They have a penis

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

If she has a penis, you have two choices

a) run

b) think to yourself  “Man! It’s been a really long time…. maybe I’ll just ask them to turn around. I don’t want to be rude… Oh gee I really shouldn’t… well what if I… oh… hey…hey that’s…. that’s not bad… well it’s too late now I guess…”

Disclaimer: Option b) may include side effects like suicide and diarrhoea.

If it looks a vagina it probably is. Let your nose double check if you’re really paranoid!

I hope this guide helps you.

But remember! Not every girl who walks you to you in a bar  in South East Asia is a ladyboy…  some just want to rob you or get a passport!*


* Generalisation  for comic effect, not the view of the author. The author has fortunately never got off with a ladyboy.