War Zone Safety Guide!

LISTEN UP MAGGOT!

So you think you’re hard son?

You think  you got what it takes huh?

Y’all tired o’those pansy faggot tourist trails? HUH!?

Well… I hope you know what you got yourselves in fur..

Ok, so maybe you done time… seen some action…

Well guess what?

YOU AIN’T SHIT!

Afghanistan & Irac are for PUSSIES!

Hell I could bring my Gramma there – you gud fur nothin’ yellowbelly BABY KILLERS!

Ever been to the Congo?

… been held at gun point?

… smelt fear after you done shit yourself?

… been rapped by a gang of angry Hutus?

… didn’t think so.

I bet you’ve never even made love to a gorilla tied to a tree.

Well… bout time you tried, ain’t it?

That's ma boy! Nomad junior.

Y’all need to be PREPARED to go in-to-de-CONGO!

WAR ZONE PACKIN’ CHECKLIST

• Volcano insurance. You want everyone callin’ you magma dick? Not in a month of Sundays!
• Mosquito repellent. If you gots malaria you done fur! They got no hospital no how.
• Wacky Tabacey. How do expect to pay fur some moonshine with a million francs that ain’t worth an once of cornbread?  You dumb shit.
• Booze and a pack of Marlboro. You planned bribing these folks with a Gareth Brook CD? Fuck you!
• Condoms. These women have been gang-rapped and brutalised. I repeat: Rapped and brutalised. Again and again and again.  I guess they figure a stranger in these parts might treat em gud. You know, treat ’em like they ought’a be treated.  So do! SHOW EM’ A GOOD TIME BOYS! YEE-HAW!
• Last but not least – My book. Buy my fuckin’ book!

ON SALE NOW! for only 5,000 Ugandan Shillings!

Y’all come back now ya hear!

( You dumb sons of bitches)

Actual pictures we took in the Congo below:

Entering Former Zaire

Road side

Us riding into the jungle

Refugee Camp from the War, not so funny...

Pygmy Tribe (They look sad, but you should seen em' at the local wedding we went to to later! Pissed as farts they were!)

Lake Verd

Kampala City Guide

Kampala Central

Kampala in a word: Bootylicious.
C.O.H: 4 / 5
Q.O.G: 3 / 5
S.T.L: 3.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer:Around  €.90
Bed: €12 for  a private
Bud: €1 a gram
Board: €3 for a meal.
Budget other: Some of the best white water rafting in the world! Budget around €80
Currency Conversion

Overview

Uganda kicks ass! Kampala is base camp and party central.  It’s also one the few cities where you can find monkeys hanging around your room. Ugandans are considerable more friendly than the Kenyans next door. White water rafting and lake Bunyonyi are an absolutely must. This place offers endless entertainment.

OH SHIT! Grade 5

Sexy Salma

The Girls

If you’re a man that likes a hip to ration ratio to beat the band, you’re in the right place. They have tiny waists with big assets that would convert any man. They got it and they know how to use it. Bootylicous babes stalk the city and are keen to meet foreigners.  But remember,  like a lot of east Africa there’s alot of working girls at night. If you have no options just shore em. Even if she seems normal and friendly be careful – there are a lot of pick pockets so you need to be on your guard. If you go to right night spot you can find ‘normal’ girls. Your best bet is day game but it’s hard to find time with all activities around.  Just ask a girl for her phone number and she will jump at the chance.  Girls here are very direct and anything but frigid. Many are curious to bed a foreigner and make sure their good ambassadors in the bedroom. They sure leave a lasting impression. If you strike out just get stoned and play with the monkeys.

Nightlife Recommendations

There isn’t too many tourists who brave the streets at night time, which is good for you!

Top Pub/Sax bar
Boom city. They are both around the same area, goods places to for a casual drink and also to pick up some sexy Kampala girls. Watch your wallet. Open 24 hours.

Capital Pub
Capital pub is really more of a disco than a pub and a really good night out. Not all the girls here are working girls.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Legislation: Marijuana is illegal in Uganda, and so is any related action.
There have been calls by farmers to legalize, but no action has been taken.

Law enforcement: Police have conducted raids on local farmers. But people smoke out in the open in many parts of the country.

Where to buy marijuana: Go to Kasanga or Kabalaga on the outskirts of Kampala, down Gaba road. You can usually find someone at Al’s Bar or Capitol Pub.

Even better, get to know a boda-boda taxi driver and ask them to get it for you. You can get them pre-rolled or in larger quantities from someone’s neighboring village.

This is “Uganja.” It is referred to as gangja, weed, salad, and bang…

Marijuana prices: In Kampala, 30 hand-rolled marijuana cigarettes for roughly 10,000 Uganda shillings ($5.70). You can get more in rural areas for much less.

More information: You can find marijuana almost anywhere in Uganda, especially in Ssese Islands and Sipi Falls. Just find a young staff member at a hotel to help get it for you.

My Kampala Experience

White water rafting was the highlight. But there was a close second. This was the fastest close I’ve ever experience. I was outside Sax when this slim, big booty babe approached me. She whispered in my ear…

“You’re eyes are like paradise”

“…eh… thanks”

That may have been a line but it totally worked. She got right to it…

“I want to make love to you, African style..”

“For free!?” I asked.

“Of course for free, we can go here…” She pointed at the building in the distance.

“Let’s go!” I gleefully replied.

She walked ahead of me, flaunting her amazing ass in a delberate and teasing fashion. When we got to the room and the first thing she said was…

“You are like water… I need to drink you”

I’ll leave the rest up to your imaginations.

It was all good, until one hour later when she told me – By the way, I’ve HIV…

Monkey figuring out how to use a mirror

Getting stoned by Lake Bunyonyi

Let me know about your Kampala experiences and leave a comment!

Addis Ababa City Guide

Merkato Market

Addis in a word: Original.
C.O.H: 4 / 5
Q.O.G: 4 / 5
S.L.T: 4.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €.60
Bed: €2 for a double room!
Bud: HEAVEN! €10 for as much as you can fit in a plastic bag!!!
Board: €1 for an injera  meal
Budget other: €1.50 is the most you pay for beer and that’s in the classy jazz bars.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Think herds of goat beside sky scrappers; cheap beer and great weed; jazz cafés and jaw-dropping women. Coffer was first cultivated in Ethiopia and it was the only country not colonised in the scramble for Africa. The streets turn to rivers when it’s rans. Addis is the SHIT!

The Girls

Malet Yante, Ethiopian

The Amhara are the best looking girls in Africa, never mind Ethiopia. Even the homeless chicks are hot! With olive skin, western facial features and slamming bodies – they can leave you paralysed. You really can’t do these girls justice looking on the net, you just gotta see it to believe it. There are no tourists here so you have your pick. You could find yourself a Goddess if you wanted. Another cool thing about Ethiopian chicks is a lot of them smoke weed and are chilled out! Sometimes language can be a problem and be warned prostitution is endemic and you will often be “Shoring“. Most working girls will pretend they’re ‘hair dressers’ to western men. Good girls DO exist and they are definite keepers. Did I mention how gorgeous the women were? The nightclubs are riddled with hookers. Girls are very approachable everywhere during the day. My advice – if you want the perfect women, find a university student.

Nightlife Recommendations

Addis has loads of cool jazz bars and is A LOT safer than it seems. The local dancing is great – it’s all in the shoulders!

Memo’s Nightclub

Seedy as hell, but who says that’s a bad thing 🙂

The Black Rose

The energetic atmosphere is both comfortable and fashionable, and the bar serves a variety of drinks. The bartenders mix the best Cosmo this side of the Nile. The live jazz jam session in Addis every thursday night.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Law enforcement: The police in ethiopia don’t really bother smokers since they know it has no harm but some crooked federal police officers try to scare you a bit to get some bribe money.

Where to buy marijuana: There are plenty of places to score some collie in addis and as long as you ask any rastaman to get something high grade

Marijuana prices: low grade sensimellia 50 gram=5us$,mid grade kompressed sensi 40gram=10us$,high grade primo sensi(CHRONIC,CHOCOLATE,ORANGE KALI) 50gram=20us$

Marijuana brands: Ethiopia has some good herbs but i strongly recommend that you find somebody that has a hookup on some good kompressed ganja

More information: The ganja in addis is of a strong sativa and you can also find some indica. The herb here is the most organic and is grown under the 13 month sunshine that ethiopia is most famous for. One advice before coming here is that you must bring plenty of rolling paper since there is no cigarette paper or blunts.

My Addis Experience

For the first time in my life a women actually stopped me in my tracks.  I completely froze up as she walked passed me one day. She looked like an Ethiopian Rihanna. She turned around, surprised I had stopped and started talking to me… she end up giving me her number! This sweet 17 year old end up being my Addis fb for the week I was there! I had Bob Marley’s “Is this Love?” playing in my head for weeks. As for the weed, I was stoned of my tits on some amazing bud the whole time I was there. We went to Shashemane and got a SHIT LOAD for $4!!! – See below. O Addis.. defo going back.

Our $4 weed!

How to get a private pyramid tour

Step 1: Arrive after closing time, but before the sun sets.

Step 2: Walk around the parameter eastwards and wonder into the backstreets surrounding the security fence. There’s a KFC nearby, but that can wait. Get talking to the locals about getting in through the “back” entrance.

Step 3: You will introduced to a guide; he will provide you with safe passage and horses. Bargain hard, but remember, they have to pay a large sum of money bribing the police inside. We negotiated we would pay the police ourselves and it end up being far more costly.

Step 4: Mount your horse and head towards the dessert, leaving the city behind you. Prepare you nostril for the occasion odious encounter. We witnessed the disturbing site of a horse’s corpse, rotting in the gutter being consumed by a swarm of feasting flies.

Step 5: After a few kilometres of dramatic dessert scenery, you will spot a makeshift camp on the inside of the security fence. An un-couth looking man will come out and un-hinge a broken section of the fence, allowing you entry for a small fee.

Step 6: Make you way over the dunes to the pyramids. You have them all to yourself! Sure, you might have to bribe a few corrupt officials and you can’t go inside the pyramids themselves, but you can everything but, and there isn’t a single tourist in sight! You also get the privilege of being the only people allowed to watch the Egyptian sun, setting over the only original, surviving ancient wonder of mankind – and right next to the sphinx if you want! Famous people couldn’t do that shit!