Archive for the Europe Category

Malta Island Guide

Posted in Malta with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 30, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Waterside @ St. Julians

Malta in a word: Underrated.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: €2.50 for a pint in nightclub.
Bed: €15 for a private room.
Bud: TBC
Board: €7 for a main course.
Budget other: If you stay in Silema or Valletta, prepare to shell out for taxis every night. Stay in St. Juilians, trust me.
Currency Conversion


Malta surprises you. Even on a lonely Monday in quiet November, the nightlife is still rockin’ until the early hours. Not only is it one of the hottest places in all of Europe, it’s cheap to get to and even cheaper to hang out in. Add some rustic charm, a sea view and some sexy Maltese chicks and you’ve got all the ingredients for a fantastic getaway. Malta’s just great!

The Girls

Emma Heming

I rate Maltese girls 3.5/5 overall, but if you are in Paceville on the weekend this moves up to a 4, with generally high standard. Without hyperbole, over 90% of women are in short skirts at this time, and it’s hard to handle. As for looks, the population has similar features to Italians, with dark features, great hip to waist ratios and decent sized breasts. In contrast, they are slightly smaller and perhaps not quite as liberal. Maltese people are very affectionate and people often hang out in large groups. The guys exhibit serious machismo so you will need to be more alpha than usual to compete. Expect to get cockblocked a lot. Maltese girls require a bit of work, but they are well worth it. With such obstacles, why do I rate the chance of hooking up so highly? Well here’s the thing – if the locals aren’t biting, there is an abundance of sexy expats on offer. Expect to meet plenty of resident Romanians, Baltic babes, Russians and a few Brazilians. In terms of tourists, expect lots of Western Europeans, Scandinavians and a the odd Koreans or Aussie. There’s something for everyone in Malta!

Check it:

To see more pictures of sexy Maltese girls click here.

Another blogger writes about the local girls in The Maltese Tease.

Nightlife Recommendations

First off, nearly all of the nightlife is concentrated in a place called Paceville. This is where you need to be. Everywhere is in close proximity to each other so it’s easy to bounce from place to place. Here are some spots you will undoubtedly end up in:


This place is right at the start of the main strip. Come early and try to get a table outside. Order a hookah pipe, grab a Cisk and just bear witness to the armies of gorgeous girls as they descend on the strip. This will surely get you pumped for the night ahead. Outside is also a good place to open sets on adjacent tables. We pulled here on more than one occasion.


Consistently busy with a central location and cheap booze. Plenty of girls and chart music. The smoking area is decent for approaching too. Native Bar is the same deal just down the steps. Both are pretty all right. Similar to our experience in Pulse, success was had in these spots.


Welcome to Paceville

Everyone ends up in this club. It’s not exactly inspiring, but it’s busy nearly every night and doesn’t shut up shop until 4AM. Weekdays are great, especially Wednesday, but avoid during the weekend – it’s a cockfest. We had no trouble plundering plenty of chicas in this club on the quieter nights.

*Note: If you can Salsa go to club Fuego, it’s just down the strip on Bay Street.

Getting High

I found mixed opinions in Malta as to how serious the police take ganja. Apparently it’s just a fine, but some say they will arrest you. I found more info on Marijuana use in Malta here.

My fellow shipmate “Genocide Glen” managed to score some medium grade hashish by befriending a local guy, but he had to drive halfway across the island to get it! He has to get back to me on the price. I’ll confirm the costs in the next day or two.

My Malta Experience

You need to read my last post, The Siege of Malta!!!


Why not check out more cheeky City Guides?

The Siege of Malta

Posted in Malta, Sex & Dating with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

The Mission: Capture my Maltese flag, in style.

Yes, Leprechaun pirate

I hit the ground cold and I had a week.

Dressed as a Leprechaun Pirate, I stormed the island with my new crew: Genocide Glen, Pillaging Paul & Cut-throat Killian (aka Mr.Killian). Many women fell prey to our charms but I wasn’t interested in just a flag. Any man can put one to his mast if mounted by a chubby chica or a prawn; I wasn’t here to trawl. These opposing paradigms are well summed up in an article by Atlas Al: Flag hunter vs Flag collector.

On Form, the pick up:

I wanted quality. Sometime that comes easy when you’re on form.

I found it – a sexy Maltese cutie weighting only 48 kgs, and that included her breast implants. I got her number in a nightclub and we agreed to meet again. She left. Things continued to go well. That very night I made out with a married Maltese girl, her best friend (on the sly), an Italian and then got taken home by a beautiful Indian Aussie. Mr. Killian slayed her friend in the next room, and got his Swedish flag.

Day 1, a fearsome test:

Do fuck off!

The next meet up with my Maltese cutie was behind enemy lines. She was attending a private party in some upper class club, a pretentious affair concocted for a single launch, some electro progressive bullshit. My friends bolted and left me to my own devices.

Her circle was a mix of models, rich kids and socialites with delusions of eloquence.The scene was decorated by designer couture and Louis Vuitton handbags. Then there was me… the idiotic Irish guy with the ridiculous hat wielding a toy sword!

The minute my date left for the bathroom, I was immediately shunned from the group. Two guys came over, turned their backs and formed a wall of penis, rendering me an outcast. I tried to open her guy friends, I was amoged. I tried to open her girlfriends, I was cockblocked. I looked like the biggest sap in the room. My girl was about to return and my perceived social value was so low I was doomed to a night of frustrated wanking. Welcome to loserville.

I thought to myself, “What would a real man do in this scenario?”.

I could go to the bar… not good enough.

I could go the toilet… like a fucking pussy.


A Predicament...

No, I stepped up to plate and went straight up to five other women, opening an entire new set. My costume provided me with a hook point and one of the girls began flirting with me. Just at that moment, my dainty date emerged from the bathroom to see me the centre of attention amongst a group of beautiful women. The timing was perfect. I pretend not to notice her. I sense her approaching my back, I feel a tug on my shirt. The woman was marking her territory. I love a good jealously plotline. I had completely turned the situation around.

Rather then go back to her chilly clique, I bid her adieu and told her I’d text her. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the interaction to go much further…

Day 2, lock down.

A busy room indeed..

No need to text. I turn on my phone at 2 pm and the texts come in. She wanted to meet, asap. I had another date at midnight so we meet at 7pm. Mr. Killian was banging a Russian up in the room at this time, scoring his Russian flag and his first Muslim. He gleefully handed over the keys at 9. By 10 I was indulging in my sweet little Maltese sex machine. I don’t usually give too much detail, but I will say she was incredible, someone I clicked with on many levels. After my third orgasm I released I missed my second date, but I didn’t care.

The next day I ended up back here in Ireland.

The siege of Malta was complete!

Part 2: Best of the Balkans (Top 5)

Posted in Bosnia & Herzegovina, Croatia, Europe, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia with tags , , , , , , on November 24, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

This post is continued from Part 1, so backtrack if you haven’t seen it already. The following destinations were chosen based on roughly the same criteria I used for my Top 10 Destinations in South East Asia. In short – charm, girls and fun; I aim to be objective is this regard. So let’s go…

Naughty Nomad’s

Top 5 Destinations in the Balkans

5. Belgrade, Serbia

Belgrade by night

What’s its Charm?
Belgrade has some really nice pedestrian streets and a stroll up to Kalemegdan fortress is truly romantic, especially under snow fall.

What’s Fun?
The drinks are cheap and the nightlife is legendary throughout Eastern Europe.

And the Girls?
There are more blondes here than other parts of the Balkans. If that’s your thing here’s the place to be!

Bottom line: A walk around Kalemegdan and the famed nightlife gets this place on the list.


4. Sarajevo, Bosnia & Herzegovina

Not as peaceful as it seems...

What’s its Charm?
Old town rocks!!! The Muslim influence is very visible.

What’s Fun?
Just hanging out, smoking sheesha and soaking up the atmosphere of Stari Grad (old town). The nightlife here is insane, the weekend’s here are actually too crazy. See link below.

And the Girls?
Varied, in a good way. See my Sarajevo city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: One of the coolest cities in all of Europe.


3. Hvar Island, Croatia

Port side

What’s its Charm?
It’s a beautiful island on the Dalmatian coast, need I say more?

What’s Fun?
This is the NUMBER 1 party spot on the Adriactic. Expect to go to bed when the sun comes up. There is also plenty of watersports and things to do.

And the Girls?
Expect to get laid. Check out my Hvar Island guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: Avoid in low season. Come here is want to seriously rip it up. I loved it.


2. Skopje, Macedonia

More than meet the eye!

What’s its Charm?
A cute old town, cheap beer and friendly locals.

What’s Fun?
Everynight here is an adventure! Weed and women are plentiful.

And the Girls?
I love Macedonian girls, easily the friendliest in the region.  See my Skopje city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: Macedonian girls will make you want to stay. I’ve been here twice and it’s still the first place I’d go back to in the Balkans.


1. Montenegro

A view from Kotor fortress

What’s its Charm?
Move over Tallin, Montenegro shits over anything I’ve seen in Europe. To try and describe the beauty of places like Kotor and Budva is futile. You need to come here. This country had me speechless.

What’s Fun?
Not only is Montenegro visibly awesome, a trip to Budva will have you raving. This an Eastern European party mecca! Click link below.

And the Girls?
Wow. Girls from all of EE come here… Like Hvar, take your pick! Quality is even better here. Check out my Budva city guide for a full breakdown.

Bottom line: It’s Naughty Nomad’s number 1 for a reason. GO! On that note, I suspect low season might be a bit sedated if you’re looking to party.


Here’s a list of ALL my Eastern European city guides:

Athens, Greece

Bucharest, Romania

Budapest, Hungary

Budva, Montenegro

Chisinau, Moldova

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Hvar, Croatia

Kiev, Ukraine

Minsk, Belarus

Ohrid, Macedonia

Pristina, Kosovo

Riga, Latvia

Sarajevo, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Skopje, Macedonia

Tallinn, Estonia

Tirana, Albania

Thessaloniki, Greece

Zadar, Croatia

The Big Balkan Breakdown (part 1)

Posted in Europe, Sexonomics with tags , , , on November 12, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

ANNOUNCEMENT: For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to Malta for a week on Monday. I will give you guys a full breakdown of the island


Back to business…

After two excursions I have officially completed the Balkans. Whether it be winter or summer (I’ve done both), this region is still a great place to visit.


The beer is cheap, the girls are stunning and there are plenty of great locations to experience. The Balkans (aka South East Europe) is generally considered to consist of 9 countries:

The Balkans (missing Kosovo)

  • Albania
  • Bosnia & Herzegovina
  • Bulgaria
  • Croatia
  • Greece
  • Kosovo
  • Macedonia
  • Montenegro
  • Serbia

Ok, you’ve seen the line up, so first of all let me give you a run down of the girls and then I will offer my top 5 destination picks in part 2.

Balkan Girls & The Balkan Drift

There are a few things you will notice about the region…

  • The hottest chicks are in Greece and Bulgaria.
  • The easiest places to get laid are the ones off the beaten track; the ones that come to mind are Macedonia and Bosnia & Herzegovina.
  • If you like blondes, go to Serbia.
  • The further south you go, the darker the skin. Greek chicks have beautiful olive complexions, Serbians are lighter.
  • Generally,  the further West you go, the taller and more curvy the women. The further east you go the smaller the waist line. There is a big difference between a Croat and a Bulgarian. Personally, I prefer the slimmer Balkan babes.

From my observations, I have produced what I call the Balkan drift, a graphical representation showing trends in sexyiness on the peninsula.

The Balkan Drift

The theory is the further south-west you go, the hotter the girls get. Epicentres of hotness occur in hot spots like Athens and Sofia, also in holiday destinations like Budva, Montenegro and the Black sea in Bulgaria.



Snapshot: Zadar, Croatia

Posted in City Guides, Croatia with tags , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Zadar.

What are one’s first impressions of Zadar?

Stari Grad

Surprisingly pleasant. The old town is very agreeable and the prices are WAY lower than southern Croatia. You might as well be in a different country.

What are the women like?

This is my third post on a Croatia so I have already aired my view on the local talent. I will say that women in Zadar are considerably more friendlier than their fellow countrywomen from the likes of Dubrovnik and Split. For a more detailed breakdown on Croatian women check out my guides on Dubrovnik and Hvar Island. Mr. Killian has a dedicated post on Cute Croatian girls.

Where should I go at night-time?

Stari Grad and it’s surroundings offer a decent nightlife. If you like the kinky type, I strongly recommend starting off in Kantun rock bar. Where to after that? Avoid City Club, it’s awful. You need to check out Maraschino, a slick disco bar packed with pretty young things and a great place to pick up girls; two out of three of us closed here. Both Kantun and Maraschino are highly recommended.

*Another source cites Arsenal as a great spot for live music and dancing.

Any other recommendations?

Book well in advance for accommodation. There is one hostel in old town, and it only has 4 beds. We end up 10 minutes away by taxi, not cool. Plan ahead. Ryanair offer cheap flights to Zadar.

The Bottom Line

Better than Dubrovnik.