The Big Balkan Breakdown (part 1)

ANNOUNCEMENT: For those of you who don’t know, I’m going to Malta for a week on Monday. I will give you guys a full breakdown of the island

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Back to business…

After two excursions I have officially completed the Balkans. Whether it be winter or summer (I’ve done both), this region is still a great place to visit.

Why?

The beer is cheap, the girls are stunning and there are plenty of great locations to experience. The Balkans (aka South East Europe) is generally considered to consist of 9 countries:

The Balkans (missing Kosovo)

• Albania
• Bosnia & Herzegovina
• Bulgaria
• Croatia
• Greece
• Kosovo
• Macedonia
• Montenegro
• Serbia

Ok, you’ve seen the line up, so first of all let me give you a run down of the girls and then I will offer my top 5 destination picks in part 2.

Balkan Girls & The Balkan Drift

There are a few things you will notice about the region…

• The hottest chicks are in Greece and Bulgaria.
• The easiest places to get laid are the ones off the beaten track; the ones that come to mind are Macedonia and Bosnia & Herzegovina.
• If you like blondes, go to Serbia.
• The further south you go, the darker the skin. Greek chicks have beautiful olive complexions, Serbians are lighter.
• Generally,  the further West you go, the taller and more curvy the women. The further east you go the smaller the waist line. There is a big difference between a Croat and a Bulgarian. Personally, I prefer the slimmer Balkan babes.

From my observations, I have produced what I call the Balkan drift, a graphical representation showing trends in sexyiness on the peninsula.

The Balkan Drift

The theory is the further south-west you go, the hotter the girls get. Epicentres of hotness occur in hot spots like Athens and Sofia, also in holiday destinations like Budva, Montenegro and the Black sea in Bulgaria.

Part 2: I  reveal My TOP 5 DESTINATIONS IN THE BALKANS

 

Snapshot: Zadar, Croatia

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Zadar.

What are one’s first impressions of Zadar?

Stari Grad

Surprisingly pleasant. The old town is very agreeable and the prices are WAY lower than southern Croatia. You might as well be in a different country.

What are the women like?

This is my third post on a Croatia so I have already aired my view on the local talent. I will say that women in Zadar are considerably more friendlier than their fellow countrywomen from the likes of Dubrovnik and Split. For a more detailed breakdown on Croatian women check out my guides on Dubrovnik and Hvar Island. Mr. Killian has a dedicated post on Cute Croatian girls.

Where should I go at night-time?

Stari Grad and it’s surroundings offer a decent nightlife. If you like the kinky type, I strongly recommend starting off in Kantun rock bar. Where to after that? Avoid City Club, it’s awful. You need to check out Maraschino, a slick disco bar packed with pretty young things and a great place to pick up girls; two out of three of us closed here. Both Kantun and Maraschino are highly recommended.

*Another source cites Arsenal as a great spot for live music and dancing.

Any other recommendations?

Book well in advance for accommodation. There is one hostel in old town, and it only has 4 beds. We end up 10 minutes away by taxi, not cool. Plan ahead. Ryanair offer cheap flights to Zadar.

The Bottom Line

Better than Dubrovnik.

Snapshot: Ohrid, Macedonia

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Ohrid.

What are one’s first impressions of Ohrid?

Ohrid by night

Purty. Ohrid’s old town and lake view provide quite a splendid backdrop for a few days of leisure. It’s a tourist town so the population fluctuates dramatically depending on the time of year. September was a nice time to visit, but I would say peak season is electric in terms of nightlife.

What are the women like?

There are loads of tourists here and a large proportion of them are local.  I have nothing but good things to say about Macedonian girls, but Ohrid hosts it’s fair share of posers from other countries. Regardless, most of the women here are still hot and super approachable. While I had some success here, all in all I much prefer Skopje for girls.

Where should I go at night-time?

Try avoid going to any club near the resorts, they are miles away. There are a few really good bars west of the town square. Check out Lizard, this is the place for girls. If it’s too crazy in there head to Jazz inn or Castros. The rules change in July and August as there are a lot more options. The Jazz café (different for the Jazz in) tends to open late and attract a more sophisticated clientèle.

Any other recommendations?

Take a stroll and get lost west of the town square. If you ascend some steps near the old church, you’ll eventually stumble upon an isolated run down balcony overlooking the Ohrid port and the lake. Light one up and enjoy the view.

The Bottom Line

A wonderful place to holiday. Go in the summer months.

Snapshot: Thessaloniki, Greece

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Thessaloniki.

Entrance to Kamara

What are one’s first impressions of Thessaloniki?

Not as pretty as Athens, but a hell of a lot cheaper. The city receives a lot less tourists so people seem friendlier. If this is your first stop in Greece, I’m sure the first thing you will notice is the local talent.

What are the women like?

The standard in Greece is a bit ridiculous, they are a truly scrumptious race.  If that tanned med look doesn’t get you going maybe this will: in this authors experience the girls of Thessaloniki are game like nowhere else. They have no problem making out with you in record time if you no how to woe them (this city inspired me to write my 10 second k-close post). Take the relaxed attitude, compound that with a good command of English and plenty of skin on show, I’m sure your hormones will be working overload. What I like about this city is the amount of rock/ emo /alternative chicks on the street. Guys, this city is fantastic for women.

Typically Greek

Where should I go at night-time?

If you like young beautiful women, go to the Kamara district. Apart from all the bars on offer, there is a park near the university where hundreds of rock chicks and kinky cuties hang out for all night parties on the cheap. While we were there, a huge party was also happening outdoors on the university grounds. Kamara is the business.

Any other recommendations?

Get a private room near Kamara. Not only is this where the nightlife is, it’s also a historical centre. In Kamara, everyone buys cheap drinks at Kiosks. You should do the same. If you want to seriously increase your chances of getting some sexy Greek ass, provide weed. Pick some up in Skopje if you’re arriving from the north.

The Bottom Line

Way more fun than Athens. This is place to slay a Greek.

Hvar Island Guide

Small, but mighty!

Hvar in a word: Seasonal.

Chance of Hooking up: 4 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Up to €4 for a 250ml bottle.
Bed: €12-15 for a private room.
Bud: €5 per gram.
Board: €10 for a main course.
Budget other: Apart from being generally expensive, there are all-night parties on a nearby island that stretch the budget. It costs a few blips for the boat. Sun beds cost around a fiver for the day.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Hvar island is exactly what it says on the tin – the biggest party destination on the Dalmatian coast! It’s scenic, relaxed and great fun. It’s relatively pricey for the region, but it’s a wonderful place to hang out for a few days. On that note, there is absolutely no point in coming here outside the June to mid-September window.

The Girls

Rare but most fair

The local population here is insignificant, but girls from all over come the island to let loose.  Self-proclaimed zen travelers would hate this place, but for us naughty nomads it’s a fucking goldmine. Italians, Scandinavians, English, Irish, Aussies, North Americans & Eastern Europeans are all the menu. There is also a few models that come in on the yachts. Croatian girls are also present, but they are the minority. Go to Northern Croatia or Split if you’re determined to get a local honey. There is no particular Croatian “look” but in general the girls are tall and dress really well. They’re also a little more curvy compared to other Eastern Europeans. But back on getting laid… Don’t bother with day game, there is plenty of options at night. Separate yourself from the crowd, peacock a little. Standard rules apply, get your energy levels pumping for a ton of approaches. Give yourself a few days and you will leave here with a big smile on your face. Click the following link for some Croatian inspiration.

Nightlife Recommendations

Carpe Diem in Peak season

Carpe Diem

The undisputed heavyweight in town. Good layout and great cocktails, but expensive. It’s a bit snobbish but nonetheless attracts a lot of talent.

Kiva

A lot less pretentious than Carpe Diem, and smaller. Personally, I prefer this place. If you want to pick up some local Croatians, this bar is much better. Furthermore, it has a real party atmosphere and outside is perfect for chatting up strangers. Make sure you order a “helmet” for the criac.

Veneranda

When everywhere else closes, this club is just getting started. This place is seriously impressive. In September is was like a hermit’s house party, but in peak season this place is electric. You will undoubtedly end up here, this is were all the nubile singles end up. Go get em!

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Nomad’s input: Get it in Split before you hit Hvar. We got sorted out by some local girls there. Everyone goes to a beach called “the fuckadrome” to smoke.

Legislation: Illegal. Cultivating, selling and owning.
THC related products are illegal in Croatia and they are equal to harder drugs by the law.

Law enforcement: Cops got to deal with other issues in Croatia. At home, nothing will happen. Outside, be a bit more careful.( Don’t go around trying to make everyone see you’re high or something.) From news coverage and general statements from police etc., you can obtain that the cops are more worried about the big dealers rather than the smaller consumers.

Where to buy marijuana: This is the problem. Do NOT walk up to any guy that looks like a gangster/pusher or anything, you might well end up being robbed. Best thing is just asking someone you know or you’ve had to do with.

Marijuana prices: Not as low as in India or something, but if you have to pay as much as in the US or Western Europe, you’re being ripped off.

More information: It is unlikely that you’re offered hash, and if you are, chances are that it sucks ass. Marijuana is what you wanna go with in Croatia. If you got the choice, reject hash.

My Hvar Experience

I was here 3 nights with 3 other amigos during the Siege of the Adriatic. The first night it was buzzin’, but the other two nights it was dead. It was the end of September and the place was on its last legs. Nonetheless, I was on form and managed to take down two hotties and get two new flags. One was a sexy Cypriot Aussie in Veneranda (where the ratio was easily 80% male I might add). Quite a feat, but that was nothing compared to the last night. No shit, there was only 4 women out and at least 50 guys. Bottom line, I went home with the hottest girl there; a testament to Mystery peacocking theory. She was a smoking hot Welsh naturalist who currently lives in a nudist community, nice. I make it sound like I’m Mr. Smooth, but it was actually quite a challenge so if you don’t mind “toot toot”. As for my amigos, during the course of the 3 days, two of them pillaged a pair of lassies eager for some pirate lovin’. All in all, Hvar left a most favourable impression and gets the big thumbs up! If one was to return, it would certainly not be on the fringes of peak season but rather in the thick of the action in July. Head my words and enjoy!

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Why not check out more cheeky City Guides?