Why Number Closing is outdated

The game has changed.

Old School

Gone are the days where you ask for her number, or her for yours.

We can lay waste to the feelings of doubt and disconcerting angst, that often plagues the mind after you obtain those hopeful digits, reliable or otherwise.

That’s shit over. Number closing is outdated.

On my last birthday in September, a young Cameroonian women  of 18 approached me. Fair play to her, it appear the fruits of female empowerment in a post-feminist society have ripened. But that’s not what grabbed my attention. It was her opener.

“Hey, can I have your facebook?”

Boom! Simple and effective. The more I thought about, the more I released – my word its genius. Face-close! (you heard it here first)

Let’s look at the incredible advantages of a Face-close.

1. Screening
   Let’s face it, people are shallow. Now we can perv on potential lovers via their profile pics! Sure she looked good that night when you put the brewery out of business, but have you seen her holiday album? She’s a whale, that’s not a g-string that’s a z-string! “Remove as friend.”
2. It facilitates DHV’s (demonstrations of higher value)
   What about that pic of jumping out a plane, or wrestling a crocodile? Oh yes, women can’t help be impressed when they scroll down to find out you have a masters in Superology and speak Swahili. Your profile does all the work for you!
3. You can IM
   I ask you, is calling a girl you just met a good idea? Most younger chicks find it way too direct, forget what any book tells you. Unless you’re exceptional at thinking on your feet it’s best avoided. Then there’s texting. One can simply ignore you. I abhor those time lags too; it might as well be Morse code! Sure you have time to think about your responses, but then you got the misinterpretations and those long drawn out conversations that sometimes take over 24 hours to complete. Instant messaging provides a great medium; your language is considered, yet it’s still live communication. Facebook provides yet again. Even normal messages are better than txting or phoning.
4. It builds comfort and trust
   She’s know all about you – she’s seen your pics, your friends, your interests & knows where you went to school and what you do for a living. You’ve chatted, LOLed and even “liked” the fact her cat Mitsy was diagnosed with Diabetes. All this, and you haven’t even met. By the time you do, you’ll bed her faster than an Ikea salesman.

Now, let me share some advice. Here are two simple steps I’d recommend to ensure your profile works for you and not against you.

• Make lists. I put all women on my “chicas” list. I even divide girls into regions. I might want to talk my “Eastern Europe” girls tonight and ignore “Asia”. Furthermore, you can exclude such groups from seeing certain status updates and photo albums. Lists are great!
• Privacy & Pics. Don’t let girls see photos your tagged in. Like the one of you vomiting in a fish tank… Potential bedmates should only see what you want them to see, to paint you in the best possible light.

See what I mean?

 

So there you go. Next time you want to number close, think again.

Face-close!

The Siege of Malta

The Mission: Capture my Maltese flag, in style.

Yes, Leprechaun pirate

I hit the ground cold and I had a week.

Dressed as a Leprechaun Pirate, I stormed the island with my new crew: Genocide Glen, Pillaging Paul & Cut-throat Killian (aka Mr.Killian). Many women fell prey to our charms but I wasn’t interested in just a flag. Any man can put one to his mast if mounted by a chubby chica or a prawn; I wasn’t here to trawl. These opposing paradigms are well summed up in an article by Atlas Al: Flag hunter vs Flag collector.

On Form, the pick up:

I wanted quality. Sometime that comes easy when you’re on form.

I found it – a sexy Maltese cutie weighting only 48 kgs, and that included her breast implants. I got her number in a nightclub and we agreed to meet again. She left. Things continued to go well. That very night I made out with a married Maltese girl, her best friend (on the sly), an Italian and then got taken home by a beautiful Indian Aussie. Mr. Killian slayed her friend in the next room, and got his Swedish flag.

Day 1, a fearsome test:

Do fuck off!

The next meet up with my Maltese cutie was behind enemy lines. She was attending a private party in some upper class club, a pretentious affair concocted for a single launch, some electro progressive bullshit. My friends bolted and left me to my own devices.

Her circle was a mix of models, rich kids and socialites with delusions of eloquence.The scene was decorated by designer couture and Louis Vuitton handbags. Then there was me… the idiotic Irish guy with the ridiculous hat wielding a toy sword!

The minute my date left for the bathroom, I was immediately shunned from the group. Two guys came over, turned their backs and formed a wall of penis, rendering me an outcast. I tried to open her guy friends, I was amoged. I tried to open her girlfriends, I was cockblocked. I looked like the biggest sap in the room. My girl was about to return and my perceived social value was so low I was doomed to a night of frustrated wanking. Welcome to loserville.

I thought to myself, “What would a real man do in this scenario?”.

I could go to the bar… not good enough.

I could go the toilet… like a fucking pussy.

 

A Predicament...

No, I stepped up to plate and went straight up to five other women, opening an entire new set. My costume provided me with a hook point and one of the girls began flirting with me. Just at that moment, my dainty date emerged from the bathroom to see me the centre of attention amongst a group of beautiful women. The timing was perfect. I pretend not to notice her. I sense her approaching my back, I feel a tug on my shirt. The woman was marking her territory. I love a good jealously plotline. I had completely turned the situation around.

Rather then go back to her chilly clique, I bid her adieu and told her I’d text her. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the interaction to go much further…

Day 2, lock down.

A busy room indeed..

No need to text. I turn on my phone at 2 pm and the texts come in. She wanted to meet, asap. I had another date at midnight so we meet at 7pm. Mr. Killian was banging a Russian up in the room at this time, scoring his Russian flag and his first Muslim. He gleefully handed over the keys at 9. By 10 I was indulging in my sweet little Maltese sex machine. I don’t usually give too much detail, but I will say she was incredible, someone I clicked with on many levels. After my third orgasm I released I missed my second date, but I didn’t care.

The next day I ended up back here in Ireland.

The siege of Malta was complete!

Snapshot: Dubrovnik, Croatia

Snapshots are mini town/city guides for smaller places or cities I have only experienced briefly. Here’s a little snapshot of Dubrovnik.

Main Street in Old Town

What are one’s first impressions of Dubrovnik?

Overcrowded, overpriced and over-rated. Even in mid September, the place was chock-a-block with festering tourists. Don’t get me wrong – it’s very, very pretty, but after Montenegro this place is quite underwhelming. Everybody raves about this medieval masterpiece, and if it was my first stop on an Adriatic excursion I would too, but compared to the rest of Balkans the locals are unfriendly pricks, it’s fucking expensive and unless you are here in peak season the night-life isn’t up to much either.  Worth a look though… I guess.

What are the women like?

Similar to Montenegrins, Croatian girls are tall and dress very well. “If you’ve got it, flaunt it” is a statement very much endorsed. In general though, Croatians can be quite dour and are not nearly as friendly as many of their Balkan and Mediterranean counterparts. This is more so in Dubrovnik than other parts of the country. Tourists are in abundance and you are about as exotic as a Mars bar. In all likelihood you will probably end up pulling a tourist. Northern Croatia is much better if you want a local.

Where should I go at night-time?

I can only speak from my experience, which was in the latter end of September. In the two nights me and my friends spent here we went to pretty much every bar that was open. The Gaffe, an Irish pub, is a great spot with reasonably priced pints too (€3.50). The side streets off the main street in the old town host many little watering holes as well. At the end of the night, everybody ends up in Fuego nightclub. It’s shit, but enjoy it because it’s the only option outside of the June-August window.

Any other recommendations?

A walk around the city walls is decent enough. In this authors opinion, 2 days/1 night in Dubrovnik is enough. Spent the money and shell out for a place near the old town, something we regretted not doing. At €4 for a shitty little 250ml bottle of beer in many bars, get a few into you back home before you go out.

The Bottom Line

Worth a gander, but not a patch on Montenegro.

Tirana City Guide

Tirana's main square

Tirana in a word: Meh.

Chance of Hooking up: 2.5 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around €2 for a 500ml bottle.
Bed: €16 for a private room.
Bud: €5 a gram
Board: €3 for a meal.
Budget other: Taxi drivers may try and rape you.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Tirana isn’t lacking in character, but it is slightly lacking in atmosphere. The locals are indifferent towards tourists, and rather hostile towards guys dressed as Mexican Pirates. They may be one of the only Islamic countries in Europe, but they are as liberal as any other country in the Balkans. We even saw some lady boys hanging outside the city mosque.

The Girls

Eralda Hitaj

Albanians are slightly more distinctive than other ethnic groups in the region and come from an ancient European group known as the llyrians. They have dark Mediterranean features, unlike many other Balkan women. Their skin is not quite as light as their neighbours in the north and west, but not quite as dark as the Greeks. Most girls are brunettes and the Ottoman influence is visible. Personally, I find the Albanian look quite alluring. English is not quite as prevalent here, but most young women have a decent grasp of it. The city is not exactly on the tourist trail, so hitting the ground cold and running day and night game here is quite effective as you are considered “exotic”. Be warned, public displays of affections are not as common in Albania as other Balkan countries, so isolate. If you want to check out some sexy Albanian girls click here.

Nightlife Recommendations

Nearly all of Tirana’s night-life centres around Blloku or “The Block”. The place is perfect for a pub crawl. We managed to hit nearly every happening spot, except for the upper-class joint known as Living Room, which apparently is worth checking out. Here is breakdown of some other cool spots in the area. What I like about Tirana is the amount of rock venues…

Radio Bar

One of Tirana’s cooler bars. Filled with students and others on most nights, it’s a relaxed place to listen to chilled music and chat, a good environment for meeting girls.

Alfa Bar

Live music and rock chicks. Opens till late. It can get a bit packed and loud, but there is some talent about.

Lizard

Great party place with live music. A good place to dance and mingle. A good  place to pick up if there’s a crowd. This place was probably the most fun out of the lot.

Mumja

I don’t usually recommend these kind of nightclubs, but the best looking girls in the city come here. I pulled here, so there’s no reason why you can’t. Just start speaking English! haha

Getting High

Not much info I’m afraid. Get into local social circles, especially rockers. Try Alfa bar. Expect to pay €5 a gram.

My Tirana Experience

I was here for 2 nights with 3 friends. I was the only one of my mates who had any success with the locals, a testament to the COH rating, especially when you compare Tirana with cities in neighbouring countries. Thursday we started off in Mumja. I hit on a smoking hot girl in front of her friends and she casually brushed me aside. Later, she followed my to the bathroom, snogged the face off me, then left. WTF? I never saw her again. We bounced, but found the rest of the venues were pretty uninspiring on Thursdays. Friday night I had a date with a really sexy girl I met online. We hit it off and spent the whole evening together chatting, kissing and having a good time with our friends in Alfa bar. Didn’t have time in the city for a day 2. Guess I’ll have to back…

All in all, Tirana’s night-life was slightly disappointing. The people are lukewarm and it’s not a place you would miss too much. That said, the girls are hot so check it out!

😉

Why not check out more naughty City Guides?

5 reasons you should peacock more

So me and 3 friends are on our 19th consecutive night dressed as Irish/Mexican Pirates. Last night, in the siege of Sarajevo, all four of us hooked up with girls.  I even managed to swoop a sexy Argentine behind her boyfriend’s back. Guys – don’t bring your girlfriends to hostels! Beware of boisterous buccaneers who will have their way with your women.. ARRRGHH!!!

It seems the more ridiculous we look, the more fuckable we become.  The local men look on in disdain, while the women giggle and gravitate towards us. Every hostel we go to, we manage to get everyone out on a pirate pub crawl! Everyone wants to roll the crazy guys with sombreros, flashing LED swords, water pistols, horns & party hats.

Need more convincing?

Here are 5 reasons you should peacock more…

1. You feel like a beautiful women

Imagine walking into a bar and everyone turns to check you out. A privilege reserved for supermodels and porn stars? Hell no. When you peakcock you get an absurd amount of attention. Men get jealous, women get wet. It’s a powerful feeling. You won’t want to look normal ever again.

2. You convey confidence and a good sense of humour

If you are congruent and comfortable with your eccentricities, it conveys confidence. Women like confidence. If you look ridiculous, it shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. Classic cocky/funny even before you open your mouth; a pre-DHV.

3. It’s easier to open sets

If anything, it is very likely you will be approached. Sometimes, you can just stand there and let them come to you.  Girls will want to be in pictures with you and your friends. When you peacock, sets open like crazy.

4. You can use props to anchor and create jealously plot lines

If you bring ridiculous props you can use them as anchors to hook multiple sets. Imagine going into a bar and putting a funny hat on a beautiful women and her friend. Then another one on another girl across the room. You build social proof, you’ve anchored two sets and creates potential jealously plot-lines between girls. You could do all this in 30 seconds and already be at the bar getting yourself a drink.

5. It’s really fun!!!

Halloween every night!!! WAY HAY! You never have a bad night dressed like an absolute idiot! At least you’ll get some funny pics…

😉

For anything interested in this post, I’d recommend reading the Venusian Arts Handbook by Mystery.