Kuching City Guide

Kuching, Borneo

Kuching in a word: Absorbing.

Chance of Hooking up: 3 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 2 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €2 for a pint.
Bed: €5 for the cheapest private room.
Bud: €12-15 per 1/8.
Board: €2-3 for most meals.
Budget other: Prepare to drink – a shit load. Check out Bako National Park, one of the best in the world.
Currency Conversion

Overview

In terms of craic, I would rate Kuching as the best place in Malaysia! In comparison with Peninsular Malaysia, this city of half a million in Borneo is considerable more laid back; with ultra-friendly locals, superb nightlife and cheaper booze. People from borneo know how to party and every night there’s something going on. You may find yourself spending more time here than you intended.

The Girls

Miss Sarawak candidate

Kuching is arguably the best place for high quality women in the entire region. The reason? The girls here are gorgeous, liberal and financially independent, yet they maintain their femininity. Ethnic Chinese, Orang Ulu and moneyed Malaysians make up most of this premium batch. Getting laid is not necessarily 100% guaranteed but women here speak English, like westerners and are very approachable. Chicks here will even buy you drinks! The only difficulty is girls tend to be cliquey here and hang out in large social circles. Cockblocking and AMOGing can be an obstacle, but if you befriend the guys you’re in. Kuching has a great bar scene conducive for gaming, so night-time is the best time to pick up. One night stands are no problem. For day game, there is a lot of shopping centers that have plenty of cute girls. Local restaurants are good as well.

Nightlife Recommendations

Lots and lots of option. I got a serious taste for this place as I spent two weeks on piss with the locals. Kuching has too many areas for a nightlife out so I’ll just single out my favourite spots…

Padungan Road

Great for a wee pub crawl. Just have a drink in every place and work your way down the strip. Mojo is a good spot to end up (when it’s busy).

Junk

This is a semi-private bar where anything goes. Ask people about its location (it’s beside Volcano, near Pandungan). There’s no signs, no entrance, just a giant steel door. Knock on the door, act like you own the place and enter the coolest place in Kuching. This 3 phased bar is busy every night and the girls here are stunning.

Getting High

It’s not that easy to find. We got some weed by just asking people in the bars. A few locals smoke or at least know people who smoke.. Prices are the same as KL -around 50 ringit for an 1/8.

My Kuching Experience

KU-CHING! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I love this fucking city. I’ll be back time and time again. Details will get me in trouble as I have Malay friends reading this; let’s just say that both me and my travel buddy had A LOT of fun here. We had no problem getting a few Borneo flags. We planned on staying 2 day – we stayed here for 2 weeks. What more can I say?

Me & Dan in Junk (notice how I'm surrounding by hot chicks)

Standards vs Alcohol Consumption

After my weekend in Glasgow, I release that when it comes to hooking up – everything is relative.

As you can see, this graph exhibits high convexity. This shows good intentions, but as the night progresses and closing time draws closer, standards decline rapidly. This effect is commonly known as “Beer Goggles”.

Possible side-effects include: Shame, hangovers & diarrhoea.

By the way, I’ve HIV.

So after a night on the prowl in central Africa, I find myself in bed smoking a joint with my latest conquest.  I felt like a king with this sweet ebony ass curled up next to me. I was the stoner version of James Bond, traipsing round the globe sleeping with the local women. But in that quite moment when all seemed right with the world, she turned to me and said:

“I’m worried”

“Why?” I asked.

“We didn’t use a condom”

“Yeah, but you told me everywhere was closed!” I wondered where this was going. I felt a fake pregnancy scam coming on here. DAM it! I really shouldn’t have came inside her.

“You are leaving tomorrow?” She asked.

“Yep, why?”

“Mark… you need to know something…”

I was pretty sure she wasn’t a man, but I didn’t like the tone of her voice.

“What… It’s OK, you can tell me.”

“…I’m sick.”

“Sick… what do you mean sick?”

“I think you know…”

My heart attempted to escape my chest as a feeling of impending doom pervaded my body. I became very conscience of the fact that this part of the world had some of the highest AIDS rates.

“You mean… you have HIV?”

She didn’t say anything, she just nodded…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Seriously, what a fucking bitch.

“By the way, I’ve HIV and you just fucked me.”

At least she’s dead now.

The next three months I was planning how I would live the rest of my life. I knew the chances where slim, but going in the get my STD results was one of the scariest moments of my life…

“You’re test results came back, I’ve got some bad news and some good news.”

“I don’t like the sound of that..”

“Good news is your HIV results came up negative but bad news is you’ve got a STD.”

I was never so happy to hear the words “you’ve got a STD”.

It’s all sorted now, so my irresponsible and reckless lifestyle continues! YEAH!

Moral of the story: Always carry a condom in your wallet.

It turns out HIV transmission rates are grossly exaggerated. Educate yourself and click here.

World AIDS rates

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How to Slay a Vampire ;)

DO NOT READ: if you are one of those politically correct wankers or have a vagina… or fangs.  This author is not Anti-Vampire or culturally insensitive, but he does  rock.  He also enjoys spicy food, and has a thing for alternative chicks.  This article is for entertainment purposes only. Now…

What if I told Vampires were REAL?

Would you believe me?

I’n not talking about little goth kids who cut themselves and

I’m not talking about fairytale beasts. I’m talking about REAL vampires.

What if I told you there were creatures of the night who

• File teeth/ get implants in order to possess Fangs.
• Leave bite marks & drink blood.
• Perform sensual satanic rituals.
• Dress in erotic Gothic attire to seduce you.

But blood isn’t what they’re after. These vampires thrive on sex for their survival. Sex is used by these wicked temptresses as validation to make up for the love Daddy didn’t give them.

And guess what? – You could be that validation!

Real vampires are originally Slavic not Romanian (deriving from the serbian word vampir) and find their origins in the depths of Eastern Europe and parts of the Balkans.  Ideally they have pale complexions, slim bodies and hypnotic eyes. Many vampires are bi-sexual.

WARNING: Real Vampires are EXTREMELY SEXY!

Female vampires are a rare and kinky breed. Few men have slay one.

Of course by slay I mean had sex with.  And by kinky I mean HOLY SHIT!

My slayer story is for another blog, but I hope this guide will help you get your own damp vamp!

Good Luck!

CAUTION:  Hunting vampires is only for the most dedicated and daring.

The Hunting Ground

You need to actually GO to Eastern Europe or the Balkans.  The best hunting ground is in Ukraine, home to the most beautiful women in Europe. Russian visas are a pain and Transylvanian vampires are usually wrote-off Romanian wannabes. Because there are a RIDICLOUS amount of stunning women in Ukraine, many girls turn vamp to give themselves an edge.

Vital Preparations

Vampires are rarely seen. Get online and message some vampires to arrange dates before you go over.  Browse the social networking sites. Ukrainian/Moldavian/Belorussian girls  are more than happy to go out with a western guy. Vampires are no different. Trust me, I’ve met girls from all these countries.  Learning a few words of Russian will increase you chances of success by 300%.

Slay your Vampire

Generally in  Slavic nations, the man ALWAYS pays for drinks. Some, more worldly Slavs understand you’re a westerner and will offer to split the bill but bear in mind it is NOT common in these countries. Vampire exude sexuality and can at first seem intimidating. Play it cool, and after a few drinks  they will be biting you, sucking your neck and sticking their touge in your ear.  It time for the slay. Take them home for the most kinky, beastly night of your life.

😉

I hope you’ve had fun with this guide . Feel free to rate this article and leave comments!