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Kuching City Guide

Posted in City Guides, Malaysia with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Kuching, Borneo

Kuching in a word: Absorbing.

Chance of Hooking up: 3 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 2 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €2 for a pint.
Bed: €5 for the cheapest private room.
Bud: €12-15 per 1/8.
Board: €2-3 for most meals.
Budget other: Prepare to drink – a shit load. Check out Bako National Park, one of the best in the world.
Currency Conversion


In terms of craic, I would rate Kuching as the best place in Malaysia! In comparison with Peninsular Malaysia, this city of half a million in Borneo is considerable more laid back; with ultra-friendly locals, superb nightlife and cheaper booze. People from borneo know how to party and every night there’s something going on. You may find yourself spending more time here than you intended.

The Girls

Miss Sarawak candidate

Kuching is arguably the best place for high quality women in the entire region. The reason? The girls here are gorgeous, liberal and financially independent, yet they maintain their femininity. Ethnic Chinese, Orang Ulu and moneyed Malaysians make up most of this premium batch. Getting laid is not necessarily 100% guaranteed but women here speak English, like westerners and are very approachable. Chicks here will even buy you drinks! The only difficulty is girls tend to be cliquey here and hang out in large social circles. Cockblocking and AMOGing can be an obstacle, but if you befriend the guys you’re in. Kuching has a great bar scene conducive for gaming, so night-time is the best time to pick up. One night stands are no problem. For day game, there is a lot of shopping centers that have plenty of cute girls. Local restaurants are good as well.

Nightlife Recommendations

Lots and lots of option. I got a serious taste for this place as I spent two weeks on piss with the locals. Kuching has too many areas for a nightlife out so I’ll just single out my favourite spots…

Padungan Road

Great for a wee pub crawl. Just have a drink in every place and work your way down the strip. Mojo is a good spot to end up (when it’s busy).


This is a semi-private bar where anything goes. Ask people about its location (it’s beside Volcano, near Pandungan). There’s no signs, no entrance, just a giant steel door. Knock on the door, act like you own the place and enter the coolest place in Kuching. This 3 phased bar is busy every night and the girls here are stunning.

Getting High

It’s not that easy to find. We got some weed by just asking people in the bars. A few locals smoke or at least know people who smoke.. Prices are the same as KL -around 50 ringit for an 1/8.

My Kuching Experience

KU-CHING! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I love this fucking city. I’ll be back time and time again. Details will get me in trouble as I have Malay friends reading this; let’s just say that both me and my travel buddy had A LOT of fun here. We had no problem getting a few Borneo flags. We planned on staying 2 day – we stayed here for 2 weeks. What more can I say?

Me & Dan in Junk (notice how I'm surrounding by hot chicks)

10 things NOT to say in bed

Posted in Sex & Dating with tags , , , , , , on June 7, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

I was in Kilkenny last night for of a bit a shin-dig. Armed with just a jaunty summer hat and some liquid confident I  attracted the attention of buxom blonde. With minimum effort, I was pretty much getting my leg humped. Being polite, I let her follow me home where I threw the dog a bone….

After struggling to gain arousal, fumbling to slip on a condom and a couple of numb indolent thrusts I gave up. I was too drunk, uninterested and I couldn’t feel a thing.

“This is shit” I said, liberating myself from all things rancid and rubber.

As you can imagine, it was a statement that didn’t go down well.

Bottom Line: I’ve learned what to say when you want to drive a women out of your bed. If you want them to stay, you need to avoid such blunders.

Here are my greatest hits…


1. “This is shit”

As mentioned previously, this doesn’t inspire confidence.

2. “I’ve slept with X amount of women from more than X countries. Come on  you have to admit, that’s pretty impressive..”

3. “I recently contracted an STI”

This one is great; the nail in the coffin.

4. “Do you mind having a shower first? You smell.”

She fucking did.

5. “You could do with a bit of shave, you got sandpaper thighs going on”

Sorry, but I abhor stubbly legs and wild bush. Yikes!

for Irish girls

6. “I feel like I’m fucking my cousin”

I did actually. You got diversify the gene pool. I feel weird banging Irish girls.

for black girls

7. “You like that you fucking n!g*&r!?”

Hey, I like testing boundaries… (My Nigerian girlfriend of two years loved that shit)

for Asians

8. “Take it you penniless chinky bitch”

Maybe I should get help… why do I get off on this stuff?

for muslims

9. “Where’s your fucking prophet now you dirty slut”

Bad, bad idea. I might aswell have said I’m going fuck her grandmother.

10. Fart.

Wait for it…


Standards vs Alcohol Consumption

Posted in Sexonomics with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

After my weekend in Glasgow, I release that when it comes to hooking up – everything is relative.

As you can see, this graph exhibits high convexity. This shows good intentions, but as the night progresses and closing time draws closer, standards decline rapidly. This effect is commonly known as “Beer Goggles”.

Possible side-effects include: Shame, hangovers & diarrhoea.

By the way, I’ve HIV.

Posted in HIV, Sex & Dating with tags , , , , , on May 9, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

So after a night on the prowl in central Africa, I find myself in bed smoking a joint with my latest conquest.  I felt like a king with this sweet ebony ass curled up next to me. I was the stoner version of James Bond, traipsing round the globe sleeping with the local women. But in that quite moment when all seemed right with the world, she turned to me and said:

“I’m worried”

“Why?” I asked.

“We didn’t use a condom”

“Yeah, but you told me everywhere was closed!” I wondered where this was going. I felt a fake pregnancy scam coming on here. DAM it! I really shouldn’t have came inside her.

“You are leaving tomorrow?” She asked.

“Yep, why?”

“Mark… you need to know something…”

I was pretty sure she wasn’t a man, but I didn’t like the tone of her voice.

“What… It’s OK, you can tell me.”

“…I’m sick.”

“Sick… what do you mean sick?”

“I think you know…”

My heart attempted to escape my chest as a feeling of impending doom pervaded my body. I became very conscience of the fact that this part of the world had some of the highest AIDS rates.

“You mean… you have HIV?”

She didn’t say anything, she just nodded…


Seriously, what a fucking bitch.

“By the way, I’ve HIV and you just fucked me.”

At least she’s dead now.

The next three months I was planning how I would live the rest of my life. I knew the chances where slim, but going in the get my STD results was one of the scariest moments of my life…

“You’re test results came back, I’ve got some bad news and some good news.”

“I don’t like the sound of that..”

“Good news is your HIV results came up negative but bad news is you’ve got a STD.”

I was never so happy to hear the words “you’ve got a STD”.

It’s all sorted now, so my irresponsible and reckless lifestyle continues! YEAH!

Moral of the story: Always carry a condom in your wallet.

It turns out HIV transmission rates are grossly exaggerated. Educate yourself and click here.

World AIDS rates

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Protected: The ULTIMATE pick up technique abroad (email me for password)

Posted in Pick up techniques, Travel, Travel Cheats with tags , , , , , on April 25, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

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