The Naughty Nomad Travel Kit ;)

I travel with just a carry-on 25 Litre army backpack everywhere I go, so I know how important space is!

Now I’m not going to tell you to pack 3 pairs of self-washable super socks that that double as small towels; or to bring a special penknife that turns into a small life raft with a cocktail bar; you can get that info somewhere else.

This is a special travel kit.

Something essential for all you vagabonding Venusian artists…

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The Naughty Nomad Travel Kit

😉

A Fetching Hat

YES! This outfit got me action.

A hat, jewellery, a tie, a striking shirt; whatever! Never underestimate the power of a little peakcocking. Separate yourself from the herd and women will respond. In my case, good head wear translates to good head. This technique helps in places where you may look similar to the locals… i.e. A white guy in Eastern Europe or a Black guy in Africa. Peakcocking also gives you an advantage over other tourists elsewhere .

An Unblocked Phone

What about Jenny?

How the are going to call her without a phone dip shit!? OK so I don’t recommend calling girls who leave their number on toilet doors, but if you want to arrange dates you need a dam phone. Buy a local SIM card. It’s cheaper and girls will be more inclined to text you. Having a phone more than doubles your chances of hooking up. I wish someone told me this before I went to Africa! A phone is also needed for my “Number Crunching” gambit. Email me @ thenaughtynomad@gmail.com to get the password.

Candle & Incense

The mood setter

It sounds corny, but this works wonders. A candle and some incense can turn that $3 shit hole into a Romantic oasis. Get all those senses tingling. Make sure the girl lights the candle, her involvement in building the scene is a subconscious submission to the seduction. Candlelight also provides the perfect luminance for some good lovin’.

Ultra light Speakers / Laptop

Small but mighty

You got to get some tunes going to set the mood. Laptops usually suffice, otherwise hook up your Mp3 player to these ultra light speakers. A lot of these compact travel speakers provide really great sound a nice amount of sensual bass vibrations. But more importantly you need…

The Right Playlist

♪ ♫ Let's get it on! Owh! ♪ ♫

Make a sexy playlist. Start it off nice and slow and customise it to your style. Try and create a flow.  On one occasion I actually esculated the seduction in syrcronisation with a playlist! I even arrange different songs for different positions! Hey, why not?

😉

Massage Oil

Oh yeah!

Now you’re getting into it. Skin looks sooo much sexier covered in oil, and who doesn’t like a massage? Get creative. Massage oil also doubles as a lube for all you cheeky sodomites.

Playtime Items

What the hell?

I’m not going to judge here.

Condoms, Handcuffs, Duck-tape, Video-camera, the Super Licker 5000 (above), Phallic paraphernalia or whatever else you sickos are into… put them into your Naughty Nomad kit! You’re nearly finished.

😉

Finally… Pictures of  dead naked women

nice...

So you’ve just had sex with a woman you no intention of having a future with?

Nothing says Mr.Right like a few pics of a defiled battered corpse. Try add some white stains for extra effect. Leave them casually displayed on the floor  before you take your morning shower. She’ll be gone before you wash your hair.

😉

BTW – If you’re a smoker bring skins. Do you how hard it is to find skins in a country where a box of fags is little more that a dollar!? Stock up.

Kiev City Guide

Snowy Kiev

Kiev in a word: Blessed.
C.O.H: 3.5 / 5
Q.O.G: 5 / 5
S.T.L: 3.5 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €.80
Bed: €10 for a dorm
Bud: €15 per matchbox-5 grams
Board: €5 for a steak and chips!
Budget other: Nightclub entry is usually cheap around €2. Budget for treating your date to a few drinks.
Currency Conversion

The girls

Mila Kunis: Made in Ukraine

I say blessed for a reason. If you are looking for the love of your life, this is the place to be! Kiev is home to arguably the most beautiful women in the world! They have slim Slavic bodies and cute facial features and are more petite than their Belorussian/Russian neighbours. They are also very eager to practice their English and surprisingly friendly. It’s one of the only places in Europe where you see fat 50 year old Americans and Englishmen with a stunning 20 something year old bombshells. Kiev girls are easy to contact over the internet for a meet up. You could litterly date a girl with model-looks every night! They may take a little work and even a few dates, but they are 100% worth it. Some Russian helps ALOT! Just watch out for gold diggers.

Nightlife Recommendations

In the winter time, it is not uncommon to find that there are ten ladies for every one man at a bar or club.

Doctors
It’s not actually called doctors but all the staff wear hospital gear. Any TUI hostel owner will know it. This basement bar is a little hard to find but is has cheap booze, nice steak and good looking girls. Good place to bring a date as well. Ask for the needle. They put you in a straight jacket on the bar counter and feed you a green cocktail mixture through a giant syringe!

O’Briens Pub

Irish pub good for a pint and convenient location. A little pricey than Doctors but a saves you a taxi ride.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Legislation: ILLEGAL – Strict Penalties if caught, severe penalties if caught dealing, up to 20 years in prison.

Law enforcement: Police are very tolerant or can be bribed with as little as $50.00 if you have about 2 cigarettes.

Where to buy marijuana in Kiev: Finding Good Marijuana is not easy but it is available. Amsterdam quality Buds can be purchased although all the ones I have found can be rather dry. Lots of shake is available in Match Boxes from dealers at large metro stations in the downtown area. I have found that Hookers usually have access to it!

another reporter added: “Check first the quality & after that buy.At the metro station nobody will sell you grass. Many assholes try to trick with the foreigners so be careful. Believe me.”

Our LATEST reports say: don`t buy near metro stations (many pigs).
ask for weed people who looks like smokers but don’t`t buy more than 5 grams (match box named “pocket”). try to buy a 1/2 of match box (“polowina”-translates like a HALF)–its most popular , not crime, $10-30 USD .
Marijuana prices: ($20 USD per matchbox-5 grams )Hydroponic costs up to $20 USD per gram. hash not produces in Ukraine and costs more than $30 USD per gram (morocco). there are many growers in Ukraine and here you can find real good stuff (but mostly ruderalis).

More information: Relatively new to the Ukraine, most people here are happy just to get drunk. Very popular with the younger generation.

My Kiev Experience

I arrived with 6 girls phone number, but only had 3 days. I had fun! The first night I met a cute 18 year old and we had a great time. I didn’t have time to meet her again but we still keep in contact. The second night for the craic I decided to invited2 girls to the same place and the same time! PRICELESS! One Russian blonde (20) and one Ukrainian vampire(19)… but the situation was actually quite awkard.  Bottom line – The blonde was totally out-smoked by the vampire and see bowed out gracefully after a drink. The vamp didn’t speak much English but my little bit of Russian helped. I went home with the vampire! Ukraine is the only place in Eastern Europe I would consider living… I almost bought a hostel while I was there!

Ladyboy Survival Guide : Essential tips!

Thai Ladyboy

Yes, I’m sure you’re all convinced you can tell a guy in a dress!

Many an intrepid traveler will tell you they can tell a ladyboy a mile away. That may be true 90% of the time, but many a proud man has let the other 10% slip through the gaydar.

There is a reason why so many men fall for it!

Common myths can steer you wrong – and get you dong!

A ladybody CAN be:

• Beautiful
• Slim & Petite
• Curvaceous
• Very Feminine

They can get their Adam’s apple Shaved!

Implants and facial reconstuction!

They can even have the chop (vaginoplasty)!

So what can you do?

How to prevent bringing that beautiful ‘girl’  home and end up crying in the corner washing your mouth out with rice wine!?

"But he was really hot.."

Here are the naughty nomad’s  guaranteed ways to tell a ladyboy  :

Tip 1)  They are suspiciously easy or forward.

Remember – they’re guy too, they just wanna get laid.

Tip 2) The tit test

A  maneuver that could save your ass! Implants are harder then normal breasts. A cheeky squeeze may seem rude, but can reveal a dude!

Tip 3) Just fucking ask them!

Ladyboy’s usually don’t bother lying if you ask them. As for South East Asian  girls – they won’t be insulted! They know there’s loads of hot ladyboys. Plus if they are ‘all women’, you have just knocked them down a peg with a neg.

Tip 4) They’re strangely attractive

Not just attractive, strangely attractive. The hottest girl I saw in Phnom Penh turned out the be a man! Remember there’s something about Mirium?

Tip 5) They have a penis

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

If she has a penis, you have two choices

a) run

b) think to yourself  “Man! It’s been a really long time…. maybe I’ll just ask them to turn around. I don’t want to be rude… Oh gee I really shouldn’t… well what if I… oh… hey…hey that’s…. that’s not bad… well it’s too late now I guess…”

Disclaimer: Option b) may include side effects like suicide and diarrhoea.

If it looks a vagina it probably is. Let your nose double check if you’re really paranoid!

I hope this guide helps you.

But remember! Not every girl who walks you to you in a bar  in South East Asia is a ladyboy…  some just want to rob you or get a passport!*

🙂

* Generalisation  for comic effect, not the view of the author. The author has fortunately never got off with a ladyboy.