Kuching City Guide

Kuching, Borneo

Kuching in a word: Absorbing.

Chance of Hooking up: 3 / 5
Quality of Girls: 3.5 / 5
Smoking tolerance level: 2 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €2 for a pint.
Bed: €5 for the cheapest private room.
Bud: €12-15 per 1/8.
Board: €2-3 for most meals.
Budget other: Prepare to drink – a shit load. Check out Bako National Park, one of the best in the world.
Currency Conversion

Overview

In terms of craic, I would rate Kuching as the best place in Malaysia! In comparison with Peninsular Malaysia, this city of half a million in Borneo is considerable more laid back; with ultra-friendly locals, superb nightlife and cheaper booze. People from borneo know how to party and every night there’s something going on. You may find yourself spending more time here than you intended.

The Girls

Miss Sarawak candidate

Kuching is arguably the best place for high quality women in the entire region. The reason? The girls here are gorgeous, liberal and financially independent, yet they maintain their femininity. Ethnic Chinese, Orang Ulu and moneyed Malaysians make up most of this premium batch. Getting laid is not necessarily 100% guaranteed but women here speak English, like westerners and are very approachable. Chicks here will even buy you drinks! The only difficulty is girls tend to be cliquey here and hang out in large social circles. Cockblocking and AMOGing can be an obstacle, but if you befriend the guys you’re in. Kuching has a great bar scene conducive for gaming, so night-time is the best time to pick up. One night stands are no problem. For day game, there is a lot of shopping centers that have plenty of cute girls. Local restaurants are good as well.

Nightlife Recommendations

Lots and lots of option. I got a serious taste for this place as I spent two weeks on piss with the locals. Kuching has too many areas for a nightlife out so I’ll just single out my favourite spots…

Padungan Road

Great for a wee pub crawl. Just have a drink in every place and work your way down the strip. Mojo is a good spot to end up (when it’s busy).

Junk

This is a semi-private bar where anything goes. Ask people about its location (it’s beside Volcano, near Pandungan). There’s no signs, no entrance, just a giant steel door. Knock on the door, act like you own the place and enter the coolest place in Kuching. This 3 phased bar is busy every night and the girls here are stunning.

Getting High

It’s not that easy to find. We got some weed by just asking people in the bars. A few locals smoke or at least know people who smoke.. Prices are the same as KL -around 50 ringit for an 1/8.

My Kuching Experience

KU-CHING! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I love this fucking city. I’ll be back time and time again. Details will get me in trouble as I have Malay friends reading this; let’s just say that both me and my travel buddy had A LOT of fun here. We had no problem getting a few Borneo flags. We planned on staying 2 day – we stayed here for 2 weeks. What more can I say?

Me & Dan in Junk (notice how I'm surrounding by hot chicks)

How to Escape Sudan

EVERY VISITOR TO SUDAN MUST REGISTER WITH AN OFFICIAL ALIEN REGISTRATION OFFICE WITHIN 3 DAYS.

Most people register upon entry.

We didn’t.

Making our way from Cairo to Cape Town, Danny and I refused to pay an inflated premium to entertain the bureaucrats at the border of Wadi Halfa. We insisted we would make arrangements in the capital Khartoum.

We didn’t .

Three days elapsed and the window closed. We remained apathetic. 8 Epic Arabian Nights passed. On the 9th day, we awoke in a merchant’s shed in Gallabat, the border town before Ethiopia.

Painting of Gallabat/Metemba (1940)

A narrow bridge occupied by heavily armed Sudanese soldiers separated us from the next realm of Africa.

Sudanese Soldier

6AM: We attempted to cross, but a quick glance at our passports landed us in trouble.

Inevitability, we found ourselves in the custody of  some rather uncouth army officals.

“You did not regisister! This is unacceptable”

“But we, we thought…” Our excuses fell on deaf hears.

“You must pay $70 each.” He demanded.

“But we don’t have that kind of money and the only ATM is in Khartoum.” I protested.

“We then enjoy Sudan.”

7AM: We were released and told to return with the money. Things looked grim. Khartoum was at least a day’s travel and $70 felt like a fortune on our budget. Fuck that.

“What do we do now?” Danny asked.

“Follow me” I said.

The border bridge hung over a deep trench where a small stream meandered. I followed the stream as far out of sight from the bridge as possible. A small Sudanese kid followed us.

“Hey kid, where’s the nearest town in Ethiopia?” I asked.

The boy picked up a stone and threw it across the stream to the other side. Ethiopia was only a few metres away.

The Border

I scanned the trench; it looked an easy obstacle. But that wasn’t my concern. The bridge was being patrolled by a lone sentry who’s shadow stalked the land in the dusty dawn light. A watchman, armed with a shimmering ambassador of death; an AK-47. His back was turned.  I had a momentary lapse in reason. Seizing the opportunity,  I began descending into the trench.  It was a reckless decision…

“What the fuck are you doing?” Danny whispered.

“Come on, it’ll be grand”

With barely a moment’s hesitation he followed. I wasn’t the only one with looking for an adrenaline rush; Danny was no stranger to danger. Time was of the essence.

We reached the bottom, crossed the stream and started scrambling up the other side, becoming alarmingly visible. If any of the guards saw us, there was a good chance we could be shot in the back.

We stayed silent, kept our bodies low and moved in a stealthy manner.

My heart was pounding so heart I thought the noise would give us away.

We made a last dash to take cover in the shrubbery across the border.

In the safety of an African bush, I savoured the moment of relief. We had evaded capture.

Navigating our way through the bushes we eventually stepped out to Metema, the Ethiopian border town!

But alas, our troubles were anything from over…

Metema outpost

7.10 AM: We enter the border office to validate our Ethiopian visas, a small hut with no electricity. The border official, a stoutly gentleman, sporting a large moustache greeted us. He asked us to sit down and took our passports. Investigating the pages, he  looked increasingly puzzled.

“OH! You did not leave Sudan. You must GO BACK. You must GO BACK NOW!”

Our faces dropped and our stomachs tightened. I panicked. Not only did we deify the authorities with registration, we also just jumped the border illegally. That meant prison. Prison in one of the most oppressive countries in the world. A country that stones adulterers to death; where Sharia law reigns supreme. Weeks before, the Sudanese authorities had even jailed a women for calling a teddy bear Muhammed. Our lives were over.

The future looks bleak...

“WE CAN’T GO BACK! THEY WILL ARREST US!” I pleaded, explaining how the Sudanese  authorities had stopped us crossing. I broke down and told a tale of woe; a tale of extortion; a tale of two young infidels being exploited by corrupt officials…

We were on trial. Our prison: Sudan. We had made our defence but the odds were against us – we had blatantly broken the law.  We sat in despair awaiting the verdict.

Our judge held a stern deposition.

The tension was soul destroying.

“Ehh.. Sudanese!” He laughed, stamping our passports.

7.18AM: “WELCOME TO ETHIOPIA!”

😉

My Sudanese Visa

The Blowjob Bandits of Hanoi

Hanoi is memorable for its hostile faces, high end nightclubs and its 1.5 million motorcycles. Our experience there involved attempted murder, oral sex and robbery – we really knew how to party.

We checked into a little place on one of Hanoi’s many cosy streets. The area bustled with street hawkers and market stalls selling fruit and children’s toys. It was a long journey and we needed a beer. We were not on the street five minutes when we were approached by two Vietnamese chicks. There eagerness was off-putting and we managed to dismiss them off before entering a rooftop bar nearby. After a few cheeky pints watching the world cup, I was in the mood for a little something. “I’m going back to the room to smoke a splif” I announced. Paddy was clued in the TV and requested I return with his phone.

A few hours later around midnight, I wake up. The smoke had knocked me out. I grabbed Paddy’s phone and left the building to try and find him. The street which had been so active earlier was totally deserted. Shuttered and silenced, I had just stepped out to a ghost town. I start to walk to the local strip but was met by two familiar characters. “Hey, you remember me?” said one of two.  They took my hand and began groping me. “O you so handsome, where do you live?” they playfully suggested. “You so big, we give you free blow job!” they insisted. With all the attention I was getting in South East Asia, I was beginning to think they would be honoured to have my relatively larger Caucasian cock in their mouth. I showed token resistance but I didn’t put up much of a fight. They dragged me to the nearest laneway. It all seemed too good to be true, but I thought “Fuck it! Whatever…” They pinned me to the wall and went straight for my belt, ripped down my shorts and start exploring me with sloppy enthusiasm. It was awesome! A sight you could appreciate; two Asian girls cooperating in orally lavishing your cock and enjoying it too. They took my hands and directed me to grab both their hair, I obliged – they became the reigns to my servants. They worked hard. In the middle of wondering whether I had died and went to heaven, one of them popped up. “I go get condom!” she said, leaving her partner to continue the pleasure. I wasn’t keen on the idea of fucking girls who give blow jobs to strangers in laneways, but before I time to make an excuse the remaining girl halted. “Wait here, I look my friend” and with that, she scampered off! I was left there half naked in the laneway. This was fucked up. Naturally, I didn’t feel like hanging round so I pulled my pants up and tried to escape. I got to the main street just in time to see the two girls speed off on a moto… it was all rather confusing. What had just happened?

Within 30 seconds, I noticed Paddy walking towards me in the distance; it was nice timing. To my surprise he starts talking about the very same duo; “Hey man, you know those two girls from earlier?” My response alerted him “YEA-AH, they both just sucked me off down that laneway!” He started laughing, “O shit, one of them tried to pickpocket me during a moto ride! haha! Did they take anything?” It suddenly became abundantly clear what had just happened. After searching my pockets, I was the only one laughing.  They had robbed me of a measly amount of pocket change and made off with Paddy’s phone!

It was the best mugging ever!

Lusaka City Guide

Lusaka Market

Lusaka in a word: Casual.
C.O.H: 5 / 5
Q.O.G: 3 / 5
S.T.L: 3 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €1.50 for a bottle.
Bed: €13 for a private room
Bud: €10-15 per gram
Board: €5 for 3 grams.
Budget other: You need taxis at night.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Lusaka is refreshingly cosmopolitan. Zambians love to drink and the city has a great bar scene. Lot’s a fun to be had here!

The Girls

Miss Africa 09: Zambian

Zambian girls are attractive, fun-loving and are exceptionally friendly. They have nicer features than most western Africans and you can find absurdly sexy girls here! Not only all they slim with whopper curves,  they also have liberal sexual attitudes and are more relaxed than girls in east African countries. You can meet plenty of  Zambian women who are travelled and educated. Most of them are just looking to have some fun and are less inclined to see you as a giant wallet. Day game is easy and shelters you from a potentially sleazy night out. Just be warned, there is a high instance of HIV here. When you get to Lusaka you will see why.

Nightlife Recommendations

They’re are plenty of Western-style spots filled with tourists and locals alike. Lusaka nights are anything but boring. The classiness of the clientèle varies tremendously from place to place.

Lusaka, the classy version…

Arcades

Two bars, great for a warm up. Plenty of classy girls about. You can even come across the odd model.

Lusaka, the slighty sleazier version…

Alpha Bar

Lusaka’s must-see! Everybody comes to this disco-bar at least once. The beer is cheap and there’s women a plenty. That said, many are  ladies of the nights so you might end up shoring without knowing. This place has a great atmosphere and is packed every night. Anything goes.

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Legislation: Marijuana is illegal in Zambia, and so is any related action

Law enforcement: Never had any run ins with law enforcement. They seemed to be more interested in other things, however locals are very cautious about dealing in the open. The person you are scoring from will be very discreet.

Where to buy marijuana: Zambia is very economically depressed,so it is not to difficult to find. Just ask a street vender or a cab driver where to find the Dagga and it will not take long…

Marijuana prices: about $5.00 to $10.00 U.S. for about three to seven grams

Marijuana brands: most bud in Zambia is forest grown and decent quality.

My Lusaka Experience

I got both ends of the stick in Lusaka. I picked up a 19yo in Alpha bar who bought me back to a coach-roach invested shack. But she was very sweet and we really connected. The next day I hooked up with a billboard model for Miller! I met her on a bus to Livingstone. I used some Jefferies stuff and end up getting her off on the bus! We met up later that night but her agent wouldn’t let me into the room. She told me to sneak into the hotel after ten minutes. Bad idea.  I got arrested for breaking and entering and she end up getting kicked out of the hotel for her involvement. Happy ending – she got me released without charge and now she keeps begging me to back there.

Check out this pic I took at Victoria falls…

getting stoned watching the earth turn...

Budapest City Guide

On the Danube

Budapest in a word: Underrated.
C.O.H: 3 / 5
Q.O.G: 3 / 5
S.T.L: 2 / 5
City guide ratings explained

Costs €$£

Beer: Around  €2 for a pint
Bed: €18 for a private room
Bud: €10-15 per gram
Board: €3 for a hearty goulash.
Budget other: €10 for a booze cruise. You will have to take taxis from Buda to/from Pest at night.
Currency Conversion

Overview

Budapest is a beautiful city and has a lot to offer. It’s one of those places you wouldn’t mind going back to. Enjoy the quirky bars, dip in the baths and embark on a scenic booze cruise of the Danube.

Park Baths

The Girls

Tamara's just Buda'ful

If you’re coming from western Europe you will think the girls are exceptional. If you’re coming from Poland or the east you will feel downgraded (but they do have a little extra T&A). Male and Female interactions are en-keeping with the rest of Eastern Europe. The man is expected to pay for drinks on dates and respect them and blah blah blah. You can game them like any other girl. There is a language barrier but Hungarian women don’t seem to care and are interested in meeting non-Hungarian men. The pub scene here is great for chatting up women. Huge crowds hang-out outside in the summer and create a festival like atmosphere, it provide a great opportunity to meet locals and some saucy backpackers as well.

Nightlife Recommendations

Go on the Booze Cruise. This is usually followed by an epic pub crawl. Otherwise, there are two great bars you should check out, both are suitable for picking-up girls and enjoying a relaxing pint. Both of these place are definitely for the summer.

Szimpla

Great atmospheric bar with tons of character. The entrance might throw you off but go inside – think beer garden  / junkyard. Lots of people around and cheap drinks. Good place to bring a date. Lots of seating so not a great place to go on your own.

Zold Pardon

Great open-air riverside bar popular with locals and foreigners alike. Concerts nearly every night. I had an excellent time here.

* Honourable mention for Dokk beach near-by. Open air club (cap. 10,000!)

Getting High (courtesy of webehigh.com)

Legislation: Hashish and marijuana are totally illegal. However you can buy weed in a lot of varieties and in very good quality. A lot of Hungarian people smoke marijuana.

Law Enforcement: The police will arrest everybody who use, buy, grow soft drugs, but sometimes you can buy your freedom on the spot.

Where to Buy marijuana in Budapest: Head to the marina, there are 4-5 discos and one of them is on a boat. Go into the boat and go to the rear of it. Ask someone where you can shop? They show you the dealer and if you come in time you can get some weed. The place is only open during weekends until 5 am. But you need to be there earlier as demand is higher than supplies.

Budapest marijuana Prices:
the going price around town is supposed to be 10 euros for a gram and that’s what they will tell you that you’re gonna get but the deals are really small.

My Budapest Experience

I was tour guide here for 10 women so I had my hands full! I still managed to hook up with a incredibly sensual, attractive Chinese/Canadian girl from my hostel whom I’m still in contact with. Hungarian girls didn’t attract my attention after Poland to tell you the truth… The booze cruise was electric.

Me in Budapest…

I'm so cool.