How to Slay a Vampire ;)
DO NOT READ: if you are one of those politically correct wankers or have a vagina… or fangs. This author is not Anti-Vampire or culturally insensitive, but he does rock. He also enjoys spicy food, and has a thing for alternative chicks. This article is for entertainment purposes only. Now…
What if I told Vampires were REAL?
Would you believe me?
I’n not talking about little goth kids who cut themselves and
I’m not talking about fairytale beasts. I’m talking about REAL vampires.
What if I told you there were creatures of the night who
- File teeth/ get implants in order to possess Fangs.
- Leave bite marks & drink blood.
- Perform sensual satanic rituals.
- Dress in erotic Gothic attire to seduce you.
But blood isn’t what they’re after. These vampires thrive on sex for their survival. Sex is used by these wicked temptresses as validation to make up for the love Daddy didn’t give them.
And guess what? – You could be that validation!
Real vampires are originally Slavic not Romanian (deriving from the serbian word vampir) and find their origins in the depths of Eastern Europe and parts of the Balkans. Ideally they have pale complexions, slim bodies and hypnotic eyes. Many vampires are bi-sexual.
WARNING: Real Vampires are EXTREMELY SEXY!
Female vampires are a rare and kinky breed. Few men have slay one.
Of course by slay I mean had sex with. And by kinky I mean HOLY SHIT!
My slayer story is for another blog, but I hope this guide will help you get your own damp vamp!
Good Luck!
CAUTION: Hunting vampires is only for the most dedicated and daring.
The Hunting Ground
You need to actually GO to Eastern Europe or the Balkans. The best hunting ground is in Ukraine, home to the most beautiful women in Europe. Russian visas are a pain and Transylvanian vampires are usually wrote-off Romanian wannabes. Because there are a RIDICLOUS amount of stunning women in Ukraine, many girls turn vamp to give themselves an edge.
Vital Preparations
Vampires are rarely seen. Get online and message some vampires to arrange dates before you go over. Browse the social networking sites. Ukrainian/Moldavian/Belorussian girls are more than happy to go out with a western guy. Vampires are no different. Trust me, I’ve met girls from all these countries. Learning a few words of Russian will increase you chances of success by 300%.
Slay your Vampire
Generally in Slavic nations, the man ALWAYS pays for drinks. Some, more worldly Slavs understand you’re a westerner and will offer to split the bill but bear in mind it is NOT common in these countries. Vampire exude sexuality and can at first seem intimidating. Play it cool, and after a few drinks they will be biting you, sucking your neck and sticking their touge in your ear. It time for the slay. Take them home for the most kinky, beastly night of your life.
😉
I hope you’ve had fun with this guide . Feel free to rate this article and leave comments!
Naughty Nomad 
April 22, 2010 at 3:53 pm
nice
August 12, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Hi!
I´ll be visiting eastern europe next year!
In which ukrainian city should I hunt for vampires?
What social networking sites do you recommend?
Should I use direct game?
PS: I´m Brazilian but my whole family is Italian, so I have Italian looks. Does that help?
By the way, your blog is awesome. I´m itching to ask you tons of questions.
August 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Hey Brazilianguy, I’m glad you like the blog.
Kiev & Kharkiv are your best bet. I have dark features myself and got a lot of attention in Ukraine. Once you go to this country it’s hard to find a place better for women. Direct game is definitely not a good idea. You need to build up a lot of comfort before a k-close in Eastern Europe. That said, Vamps are kinky as hell and one night stands are common; I know from experience. If I were you, I’d use tagged, myspace & love.mail.ru (very good) to contact girls. Just explain your travelling and would like to meet a local girl for a few drinks. I strongly recommend downloading pimsleur Russian and picking up a few words before you go. I’d play the Brazilian card aswell BTW! The vampire scene is pretty underground, but there is special arranged nights where they meet. Use google translate and search the Russian equivalent to keywords like : Vampire, Gothic , Kiev, party. That kind of thing. I hope you have fun 😉 Ukraine is the SHIT!