Archive for the Russia Category

Trouble in Tomsk: Drugged, Robbed & Jailed in Siberia

Posted in Russia, Russia, The Handcuff Dairies, The Mugging Diaries with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

Tomsk City

Eager to experience the nightlife in Siberia, my good friend Danny and I found ourselves in a nightclub in Tomsk. As the only tourists around, we had no trouble making friends; benevolent locals presented us with shot after shot of Russia’s finest vodka. Danny was talking to a gorgeous student at the bar and I was the center of attention on the dance floor. Things were looking good…

But it all went up shit creek. Literally.

We were naive to cruel intentions. Unbeknownst to us, we had been poisoned by a potent and dizzying elixir.

Danny was the first to experience the effects. Sharing a shot with his new googly-eyed maiden, he skulled back his drink which such enthusiasm, the momentum of the glass defeated Danny’s balance and soon he found himself engaged in a prolonged struggle in stay on his legs. He fell backwards, destroying everything in his wake. Glasses smashed and chairs abated. Then, an almighty cataclysm between him, a table of drinks  and the hard floor. Danny lay in a heap. While he was helped to his feet, I was busy trying to stay on mine…

A similar experience

I too started to feel strange. I rushed across the dancefloor to take cover in the bathroom, but just as I entered the putrid hole-in-the-ground my legs gave way. I landed face first into the nearest shit-ridden squatter toilet. Fail. I made several attempts to stand up, but every time ended back squirming in the epicentre of every sludgy turd. Covered in slop, I was powerless to fight the force of this vacuous black hole. I black out. The next thing I remember – I’m in jail.

Danny is panned out beside me talking in circles. My blothed memory recalls the police laughing at my confused Russian. I remember trying to offer bribes. I remember being in a car. Black out…

Next thing I know, I’m waking up in my own vomit in my hotel room with Danny beside. He couldn’t remember a thing! Our wallets were gone, our heads were pounding and our speech was slurred and incoherent.

Overall a pretty good night!

My Hangover

How to Slay a Vampire ;)

Posted in Belarus, Moldova, Romania, Russia, Russia, Sex & Dating, Ukraine, Vampires with tags , , , , , on April 22, 2010 by Mackeral Mark

DO NOT READ: if you are one of those politically correct wankers or have a vagina… or fangs.  This author is not Anti-Vampire or culturally insensitive, but he does  rock.  He also enjoys spicy food, and has a thing for alternative chicks.  This article is for entertainment purposes only. Now…

What if I told Vampires were REAL?

Would you believe me?

I’n not talking about little goth kids who cut themselves and

I’m not talking about fairytale beasts. I’m talking about REAL vampires.

What if I told you there were creatures of the night who

  • File teeth/ get implants in order to possess Fangs.
  • Leave bite marks & drink blood.
  • Perform sensual satanic rituals.
  • Dress in erotic Gothic attire to seduce you.

But blood isn’t what they’re after. These vampires thrive on sex for their survival. Sex is used by these wicked temptresses as validation to make up for the love Daddy didn’t give them.

And guess what? – You could be that validation!

Real vampires are originally Slavic not Romanian (deriving from the serbian word vampir) and find their origins in the depths of Eastern Europe and parts of the Balkans.  Ideally they have pale complexions, slim bodies and hypnotic eyes. Many vampires are bi-sexual.

WARNING: Real Vampires are EXTREMELY SEXY!

Female vampires are a rare and kinky breed. Few men have slay one.

Of course by slay I mean had sex with.  And by kinky I mean HOLY SHIT!

My slayer story is for another blog, but I hope this guide will help you get your own damp vamp!

Good Luck!

CAUTION:  Hunting vampires is only for the most dedicated and daring.

The Hunting Ground

You need to actually GO to Eastern Europe or the Balkans.  The best hunting ground is in Ukraine, home to the most beautiful women in Europe. Russian visas are a pain and Transylvanian vampires are usually wrote-off Romanian wannabes. Because there are a RIDICLOUS amount of stunning women in Ukraine, many girls turn vamp to give themselves an edge.

Vital Preparations

Vampires are rarely seen. Get online and message some vampires to arrange dates before you go over.  Browse the social networking sites. Ukrainian/Moldavian/Belorussian girls  are more than happy to go out with a western guy. Vampires are no different. Trust me, I’ve met girls from all these countries.  Learning a few words of Russian will increase you chances of success by 300%.

Slay your Vampire

Generally in  Slavic nations, the man ALWAYS pays for drinks. Some, more worldly Slavs understand you’re a westerner and will offer to split the bill but bear in mind it is NOT common in these countries. Vampire exude sexuality and can at first seem intimidating. Play it cool, and after a few drinks  they will be biting you, sucking your neck and sticking their touge in your ear.  It time for the slay. Take them home for the most kinky, beastly night of your life.

😉

I hope you’ve had fun with this guide . Feel free to rate this article and leave comments!